Find out what men really think!

In WTF Are Men Thinking, market researchers Christopher Brya and Miguel Almaraz asked 250,000 guys what they were really thinking about marriage, relationships, and everything else you may have been wondering about.
 
Some answers may surprise you, some may not. What do men say matters most in a future mate: personality, looks, or earning potential? Find out what is the biggest relationship deal-breaker for most men. This book is an eye opener.
 
WTF Are Men Thinking is a snapshot of the modern male mind. Learn what kind of car makes you look cool to him. Find out if he is threatened by your guy friends. And how can you make him less commitment-shy?
 
WTF Are Men Thinking should be on the must-read list of any single woman in the dating world today.
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Love advice from the “naked guru”

Harlan Cohen, the author of the bestselling handbook about surviving university, The Naked Roommate, now takes on subject of dating and falling in love. Cohen provides a guide to the delicate and often maddening business of finding love in his new book Getting Naked. Here are just a few of his tips on navigating modern romance.
1. Embrace "The Secret Truth: The Universal Rejection Truth" (of dating and relationships) says thousands of people will want us, and thousands will not. The moment we can give people permission to not always want us, is the moment we will have the confidence to find the people who do.
2. Train (preferably in a thong): It's time to put on our "physical and emotional thong" and look in the mirror. Make a commitment to changing the things we don't love about ourselves and working to love the things we can't change.  Surround ourselves with people who want us to be happy and want us to be loved.
3. Stop Making Excuses: Look at all the reasons you stopped taking risks in the past and use excuses to find answers.  Stop pretending you’re too busy.  Stop finding reasons not to take a risk and tell a friend you want more.  Stop waiting for people to find you and go after what you want and deserve.  
4. Take the risk: Opportunities are everywhere at work, on planes, on trains, in class, online, and in everywhere we live our daily lives. Harlan shares the stories of how people took the risk and found love
5. Celebrate, Reflect, and Repeat:  Whether you find love or someone, who just isn’t that into you celebrate that, you took the risk.  Then reflect (in your thong) and turn to the people closest to you for support and guidance. Decide if you should take the same risk again or take a new one.  Just keep moving forward and you will find it!
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Dining for love

Babe Scott, the author of Delicious Dating: The Single Girl’s Guide to Decoding Men by Their Wining and Dining Styles thinks that a man’s choice of restaurants and his “dining style" offers clues to his love style. She identifies what she calls “10 Male Food Types”and explains what they mean at the table and in the bedroom.If your dinner dates has left you hungry for love, check out Scott’s unique perspective in our exclusive interview.

 
DD: Why did you write this book?
BS: I was inspired to write this book to solve the riddle of my disastrous love life, and in the process, the conundrum of men, saving myself and women everywhere from unnecessary heartburn. I was a woman who had spent her life focusing on feeding male appetites rather than satisfying my own. Consequently, I had become increasingly frustrated in my relationships with the less-fair sex, and beyond this my life lacked relish.
 
If you think about it, women have been conditioned to put men’s appetites and needs before their own for centuries. As a result, I think we have enough collective frustration to light the energy grid. We are not encouraged to embrace our sensual selves or to put a value on our subjective pleasure. Delicious Dating will enable women, as it did me, to change their romantic destiny and celebrate themselves through the staples — and to choose partners accordingly. Women do not live by beer alone. We all need poetry.
 
DD: Were you able to identify different types of dining daters based
on food or restaurant preference?
BS: Over the course of my research, I discovered 10 Male Dining Types. They run the gamut from Transfat Types to Low-Carb Cowboys to Pretzel Players to Food Sensualists. These dining types are revealed from a man’s food and restaurant preferences, his deportment at the dining table, and also by his whole approach to the date. It is all about how a man seduces a woman’s taste buds (or not). Understanding a Male Dining Type will help you discern a man’s character from his salient traits, to what he is likely to serve up as a partner and lover.
 
The Dining Types will enable women to work out what flavor of guy is right for them. It will help them make discerning choices that will satisfy their needs, whether for love, or lust, or both. Let’s face it: sometimes we want to sow our wild oats and sometimes to eat rolled oats. It will also help women avoid relationships that will leave them not only dissatisfied but suffering from dyspepsia.
 
DD: If you have opposite tastes in food, is the relationship doomed?
BS: It depends how far apart you are in the culinary spectrum and how much each of you is prepared to compromise. If your date is a Transfat Type and your preferences are more of a Food Purist or Sensualist persuasion, then I think it’s doomed. That is, unless one of you is prepared to make drastic changes. A Transfat Type, by the way, is as allergic to compromise as he is to collard greens, so you’ll be the one making allowances for his dietary habits — not to mention doing a double share of the housework.
 
Food goes so close to the heart of who we are and reflects so many other fundamental values that a man whose food preferences are in opposition to your own is likely to make you miserable. Even if you could make it succeed, a relationship shouldn’t be an endurance test. It’s all about being able to take pleasure in each other’s company. Take it from me, as someone who used to compromise my culinary values to please a man, the latter approach is not a recipe for sensual satisfaction. I prefer now to find partners that please my palate, my senses, and my soul.  
 
It’s a shared enjoyment of the staples that binds a relationship, so it is very important to consider how you bond over a shared meal. A man who doesn’t whet your appetite at the table is very unlikely to whet your appetite away from it.
 
DD: What is the worse dining mistake a man can make on a date besides the obvious bad table manners?
BS: I think the thing to be on guard against is if a man doesn’t try to woo your taste buds at all. This is an indication that he has no interest in investing in you as a person or getting to know you. This guy just wants to get his basic needs met. This man is most likely a Pretzel Player, a Dining Type only interested in sexual conquest rather than connecting with you. He is only interested in getting you drunk enough to comply with his advances, rather than diluting his efforts with anything that resembles dinner. This Type’s totem food, the pretzel, is the most nutritive content you are likely to get from this date.
 
A dining date signifies a man’s willingness to get to know you. By serenading your taste buds he is hoping to arouse analogous appetites. He is also demonstrating how he would perform as a lover and partner. This is why the dining date has always been such an historic part of courtship. We all know a man’s brains are hardwired to his penis, and dining together forces his neurons to take the scenic route rather than the express route. The romance of a shared meal forces him to engage his head and his heart, not just his loins.
 
Even if a guy is lacking in finesse but makes an effort to excite your palate, he might be a keeper. The men to watch are the ones who couldn’t give a kebab about courtship.
 
DD: Are men turned-off by women who don’t eat or who are too picky or critical?
BS: Men are really turned off by women who are picky or critical. Guys find it a real turn-off when a date orders something that’s not on the menu or only orders a salad sans dressing, which she then picks at as if it was as appetizing as lint. There is nothing alluring about a girl who eats nothing and doesn’t take joy in her appetites. They are also turned off by women who are overly critical. No one wants to go out with someone who has all the animation and appreciation of a waxwork.
 
It’s nice to express appreciation if a guy is making an effort to woo you over dinner. Even if a date is not to your taste, there is normally some kernel of deliciousness you can salvage from the evening. And it is always an opportunity to learn more about what you do and don’t want. Dating is a journey of self discovery, and every date brings you closer to finding out what your perfect male dish is.
 
 
DD: What are most and least romantic types of restaurants?
BS: This depends a lot on your own preferences. I don’t believe love or romance is a generic formula but, like cooking, it’s about working out the recipes that work for you. Some women might be totally excited by the idea of going to an unknown bolt-hole and enjoying a cuisine they’ve never tasted, whether it be Ethiopian or sautéed silkworms (a dish I tried on one of my more adventurous dates), while others might be find the thought of more unusual dishes completely unappetizing.
 
Some women like sampling extravagant fare and telepathic waiters at renowned restaurants with Five Star Men. Others like reliable mom-and-pop restaurants that feature traditional dishes with a Steak and Two Veg Type. And others prefer organic fare with a Purist who preaches the same food creed. This is why it is a good idea to taste-test the testosterone smorgasbord to find your own version of romance. It’s all about what tickles your own palate when it comes to men and menus.
 
DD: Should you cook a man dinner – and when?
BS: I believe that a woman should let a man woo her palate before she starts feeding his. The sexes are wired differently. Men are hunters and women are nurturers. It is important to let a guy demonstrate his caring side, before you start playing the role of homemaker. Remember, your courtship is a portent of things to come, and if you mother him from the start, you will probably find yourself fetching beers and vacuuming under his feet later on.
 
Let him put his best fork forward and find out who he is before you even think of cooking — and then make the food about sensuality, not domestic servitude. Many women make the mistake of trying to cook their way to four carats, but this is only the way to become part of the wallpaper very quickly. Let him win you, and decide if you want to invest in him.
 
Beyond this, I wouldn’t advise cooking for a guy or letting him cook for you, unless you are ready to go to bed with him. It is a very short trip (or a three-course one) from the kitchen to the bedroom. If the food is delicious, it’s pretty hard to resist the appetites that are aroused. If you do invite him home, be prepared for the sparks to fly.
 
DD: Who pays for the date and why?
BS: Again, there are no hard and fast rules. A Five Star Man will insist on paying, but a Gourmet Gigolo will look out the window while you pay. It depends what you are looking for in a man and a relationship. These are important things to flag early on. I think it is less about the amount of money a man spends than the effort he puts in that is really worth noticing.
 
Having said that, I think that if you are romantically interested and the man has asked you on the date, it’s fine for him to pay. It’s all part of his investment in getting to know you. My own rule of thumb is to pay for myself if I’m genuinely attracted to him. I also pay for myself if I’m not, so that I won’t have to try and elude his puckered lips later.
 
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What would Audrey do?

The author Sam Wasson has written a wonderful new book, a commentary on social mores of the 1960s that resonate to this day.

 
In Fifth Avenue 5 A.M., Wasson links the iconic 1961 film Breakfast at Tiffany’s to Hollywood’s depiction of the evolution of the modern urban woman.
 
Fifth Avenue is full of little-known and amusing anecdotes about its star, Audrey Hepburn, other cast members, its writer and director, and even songwriters Henry Mancini and Johnny Mercer. It is veritable treasure trove for a diehard movie fan. But it may be hard for fans of the film today to grasp just how controversial it was for its time.
 
The film was based on Truman Capote’s brilliant, but much grittier, tale of New York call girl Holly Golightly. Truman said she was inspired by several of his favourite ladies. It is widely known that he wanted Marilyn Monroe, not Audrey Hepburn, to play Holly.
 
Wasson tells how Hollywood’s princess Audrey – for she had won the Oscar for Roman Holiday as Princess Ann – was cast to elevate Holly Golightly from “call girl” to “party girl”.
 
New York Times’ columnist Maureen Dowd recently wrote about the book: “Back in the early ’60s, Holly was the woman we wanted to be. The slender and stylish New York beauty was supported by men, yet she seemed free.”
 
‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’ was cool because of its modern glamour, ushering in a sexy future. ‘Mad Men’ is cool because of its retro glamour, recalling a sexy past.”
 
Fans of the film and fashionistas will be intrigued to learn the story behind Holly’s gorgeous costumes. I thoroughly enjoyed reading all about how she met her lifelong friend Hubert de Givenchy.
 
What struck me is how hard Hollywood strove to make the film acceptable, to whitewash Holly and what she did for a living. They even had to give the film a happy ending in which she finds her cat and settles down with her lover.
 
I love a happy ending. I adore Breakfast at Tiffany’s; it is one of my favourite films. I love the look of it. But I wouldn’t want to live it – not for a minute. 
 
Many people see Breakfast at Tiffany’s as a lovely, romantic, but dated period piece. But many women remain fascinated by Holly and her style. She is lovely to look and captivatingly charming. Still, I’m not sure women have advanced that much in the area of love. When it comes to work we have made tremendous progress, but when it comes to finding love and romance, women may be worse off.
 
Too many women have given up their power and lowered their standards when it comes to men. They tolerate men who don’t pick them up for dates, don’t treat them like ladies, and just string them along. And darlings, I don’t just mean young women. Women old enough to know better put up with this nonsense too. In some cases they have neglected their personal lives for their careers, and now are desperate for marriage or motherhood. In other cases, they just accept bad behavior from men “because that’s how it is now”. They are treated as poorly as Holly by her dates, men who tear her dresses and give her $50 for trips to the powder room. 
 
I keep hearing about women waiting for texts from men who run hot and cold. Women complain about late night booty-calls on Facebook and Myspace, but they go along with it. Then there are the women who go out to dinner together and keep their phones on, trawling for texts and IM (instant messages) – from men.
 
What would Audrey do?I don’t understand why women put up with it. Men like to text because it keeps women at a distance. They use it to avoid communication. So why to do women agree to play this loser’s game? The same goes for Facebook and the rest of them. If you refuse to text and restrict your Facebook, you can avoid a lot of craziness from the start. Then men have a simple choice: they can call you or not. They can take you out or not. Believe me darlings; if a man is attracted to you, he will pursue you. It is that simple.
 
The same goes for sex. Women feel pressure to have sex to keep a man interested. Trust me darlings, having sex too soon is the easiest way to lose him. A woman never trapped a man by giving in. Men like to do the chasing – at least most of them do.
 
Breakfast at Tiffany’s was so successful because Audrey elevated Holly. Would we have loved Holly so much if she was a hard-bitten, blowsy hooker? I don’t think so. No darlings, Audrey made her a princess and that is what everyone – men and women – wanted. Holly/Audrey was kind, funny, refined and anything but easy to get. Everyone woman needs a little princess in her to be truly confident and attractive
 
If you’re in a slump or depressed about your relationships, why not raise your standards? Enhance your allure by becoming a bit more aloof. Channel your inner Audrey. When things get tricky, ask yourself what would Audrey do?
 
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Learn to spot a liar

Pamela Meyer, the author of Liespotting, learned to catch liars the hard way; she had a one in her own company. Her trusted assistant almost robbed her blind. Luckily, she was caught when Pamela came in to check her books without warning.

 
Pamela decided to study fraud and became an expert at catching liars. She has put her expertise into a book, Liespotting. I found it a quick and fascinating read. It is full of practical tips and useful advice for your personal and professional life. If you are a single woman who Internet-dates, this book is a must. If you own a business or work in one where negotiating is part of your job, this is a must-read.
 
Pam is a Certified Fraud Examiner with extensive training in advanced interviewing and interrogation techniques, facial micro-expression reading, body language interpretation, statement analysis, and behavior elicitation techniques. Read our detailed interview and learn how to spot a liar!
 
 
 
DD: What is the single most dangerous facial expression to watch out for, and why?
PM: While Liespotting is an invaluable tool for taking control of a potentially deceptive interaction and turning it into an authentic one, occasionally a relationship is not salvageable. In particular, a look of contempt, whether from a superior at work or even a romantic partner, indicates a person has dismissed you, and it’s time to move on.

Pamela Meyer --The LiespotterBe wary of eye-rolling or a raised chin, as well as asymmetrical facial expressions. Basic human emotions such as anger, surprise, happiness appear on the face symmetrically; contempt is unique in its one-sidedness. Be wary of the snarled lip.

 
DD: How do you blow a liar’s cover?
PM:
The first rule of Liespotting: get them talking. If someone is out to deceive you, asking open-ended questions will make him sweat; so no simple "yes-or-nos."
 
As you want to keep the conversation flowing, establish a rapport – maintain eye contact, mirror body language, sit in a non-threatening, open-armed position, avoid arguing – and see what observable behaviors emerge. There are numerous, objective facial, body, and verbal "tells" to keep an eye out for – in particular when you ask the tough questions – so give your target every chance to slip up.
 
DD: How can you spot and shut down the lies commonly told in high-stakes business negotiations and interviews?
PM: When it comes to business negotiations, the higher the stakes, the more likely people are to lie. Your best bet to combat this cycle of mistrust lies in preparation and prevention. And keep in mind, in addition to motivating people to lie, high stakes breed high emotions, making it difficult for a lying negotiator to conceal his anxiety.

The most common lie you will face is one of omission: In one study, 100 percent of negotiators actively lied about, or failed to reveal, a problem if no one asked them about it. So be prepared to bring up the touchy subjects. How will you know what to bring up? Try to imagine what you would feel most compelled to lie about were you in this negotiator’s shoes. Be sure to cover that topic. Also make it clear to the negotiator you are acting in good faith and that your relationship with him will be at stake.

 
Finally, a simple, though potent, concluding question: "Is there anything important you haven’t told me?"
 
DD:  What are the postures, gestures, and facial expressions that should put you on alert?
PM: The neurological systems that regulate our facial expressions are based on our often volatile emotions; no one is able to hide their facial “tells” completely.  

In addition, while liars rehearse their words, they rarely practice their gestures – which are a regular source of “emotional leakage.” When someone displays an awkward or incomplete gesture we all recognize, known as an emblem, they are probably feeling the opposite of what the symbol usually means: a half-shoulder shrug, instead of both, may mean to imply ignorance, but your target may know more; and a shaky thumbs up, accompanied by a furrowed brow of distress, is probably an attempt to cover-up anxiety. 

And despite what many people think, lack of eye contact does not indicate deception. If anything, a liar will attempt to hold your gaze to appear sincere. Instead, look for blink rate. People telling a lie often blink more than they do when they’re being truthful.

 
DD: Are there key phrases or words that liars use?
PM: While body language is rife with Liespotting opportunities, some red flags within the words are worth listening for. People who lie tend to heavily qualify their statements; they are either being intentionally vague or instinctively protecting themselves. Watch out for openers such as “as far as I know,” or “to the best of my knowledge.”

In addition, to appear convincing, liars will often precede their deception with an emphatic, qualifying, or bolstering, statement, such as “I swear to God” or even “to be honest.” By the way, liars very often invoke religion, such as, “with God as my witness, I did not steal anything.”

 
For more tips on uncovering duplicity www.Liespotting.com
 
 
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Facebook: The new meat market

Don't look for Mr. Goodbar onlineIf you’re single and not using Facebook to meet people, you may be missing the love boat, or so say most dating experts. For the past decade, university students and 20-somethings have been hooking-up, dating, and archiving their lives on the social media site. In the last few years people of all ages have clicked onto Facebook and Twitter looking for love, and causing many experts to proclaim online dating services passé. Facebook is the new meat market.

 
Using Facebook to meet someone is fabulous idea. It is particularly great if you are over a certain age (say 25) and finding it harder to meet “anyone good”. There’s a lot to be said for meeting people you can check out with your friends. Hopefully, they’ll warn you off the bad bets. A good friend is not necessarily good marriage material.
 
Why not pursue an unrequited passion or date some one with whom you share a history? A common past is not obligatory for a successful match by any means. I have been happily married for many years to a man from a different country and background. But at a certain age, it’s not necessarily a bad place to start. At least you should have some idea of what you are getting into — the good and the bad.
 
Dating coach Rachel Greenwald, author of Have Him at Hello, says she is responsible for 726 marriages. She wrote her book after asking 1,000 men in what she calls “exit interviews” why women were or were not marriage material. Ms. Greenwald loves Facebook as a dating tool. She takes a very aggressive approach, suggesting tactics that would make used car dealer blush. She suggests that dating on Facebook is a numbers game, so women should "friend" as many people as possible.
 
Wrong!
 
If you do not know these people they can hurt your personally and professionally reputation. Don’t assume they will want to help you — you don’t really know them. So-called Facebook friends can be as mean and unhelpful as people in the two-dimensional world. There are also people like me — perfectly nice people — who resent being Facebook fodder. I loathe being “collected” by those who are running a numbers name on Facebook, or who just want promote their businesses. I am more than happy to help my real friends promote their business or meet people, but I don’t like being used.
 
Greenwald suggests “cruising” friends’ pages for cute guys and then asking for an intro. This is fine with actual friends, but it’s dicey with mere acquaintances. Many women can be possessive of their male friends, especially ex-boyfriends. I’m not defending it or saying it’s healthy, especially with married or involved women, but it is a reality. And my darlings, this is a case when reality can bite, literally. Be cautious and diplomatic when asking other women to share any males in their lives. Express interest and wait to be offered. After all, you’d wait to be offered a cocktail, wouldn’t you?
 
Greenwald froze my blood when she suggested sending emails or posting your social activities and whereabouts.  I can’t think of a quicker way for a single woman who has friended a hoard of virtual strangers to end up on a slab in the morgue. This is just plain dangerous. It also looks cheap and desperate. And her suggestion to invite your friend’s cute male friends to join you and friends for drinks or a movie is dumb. The male hunter has finely-honed instincts; he knows when he is being chased, and it is not a turn-on. High school should have taught you that men pursue the popular girl. Be confident, happy and yourself – not some scary, needy nimbus.
 
I think Greenwald’s advice will work for women who are doing nothing now. She also talks about status updates, profile pictures, and using groups to reflect your best image. She takes one women to task for giving her age away with her school year. Please! Okay, no one, even 20-year-olds, should post their birth year for many security reasons. But unless the poor woman is going to dump all her real friends for ringer friends and younger colleagues, it won’t take any man more than five or 10 minutes to ballpark her age.
 
I agree with her that an attractive, softly sexy — not cheap or protective — profile picture is essential. Men are visual. But remember in our camera-happy culture, if you go out with snap-happy friends you may see less-than-flattering photos of yourself online. Ask friends to check with you before posting any new pics, and return the favour.
 
Using Facebook to date widens your pool. I don’t like any of the new Facebook dating apps because they involve meeting strangers online. It’s not the safest practice. An introduction from a friend is the gold standard. Failing that, I think it is safer to try an activity like meet-ups or even those 7- minute dating events. Be a human lie detector. Look for inconsistencies in speech and behavior; it’s funny how fast duplicitous people trip themselves up, if you listen.
 
A personal introduction is best. You may be surprised how many real friends and good acquaintances you have. Ask respectfully to meet another person’s friends; they are not communal property. 
 
If you meet some you like on Facebook, get the relationship offline ASAP. Men like to hang on online. A face-to-face meeting in a public place lets you access the person’s words and behavior. Be objective not hopeful. Be friendly, sexy, warm, and open — but not needy. If he likes you he will call or text you. Do not call him first! Do not let him endlessly text, email you, or Facebook you. Remember if he wants to see you, he will. Make it gently and politely clear he needs to start calling and asking you out. A cute way to do this, courtesy of the authors of Flirtexting, is: “Unlike Verizon I don’t have unlimited texting.”
 
It’s a brave new world of dating, but the rules for finding love remain remarkably the same.

Facebook may be the new “meat market”, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it, be enticing, and flirt. Just remember to be open and honest, and never sell yourself cheaply.
 
 
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Never settle

Wait for what you wantHigh school and college used to be the ideal time to find a mate, especially for women. The assumption was that women would work until they had their first child and their professional husbands were established in their well-paying careers. It’s an option many educated women have always liked having, always holding open the option of returning to work after their children enter school.

 
In the past 20 years or so, women have begun to outnumber men on campuses as well as in the workplace. During this past recession, women have suddenly replaced men in many families or couples as the main breadwinners. Now that women “have it all,” they often find they no longer have all the options the once counted on.
 
Suddenly, some college women find they may not even be able to find a date, never mind a help-mate. On many college campuses, women now outnumber men, in some cases by 20 percent.  This has changed the rules of dating. According to a recent article in The New York Times many young women can’t find men to date or who will commit to relationships. Many even feel they must turn a blind eye to cheating to hold onto a guy. 
 
 
Popular books such as, “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb, are even more depressing. In a recent Washington Post article Gottlieb pines for a partner: “Here comes another Valentine’s Day, and oh, how I wish I could spend it with a husband. Not an Adonis with the humor of Jon Stewart and the bank account of Bill Gates; just a good-enough guys.” I see her point and it seems reasonable, but as she goes on about her plight I think she is clueless and even a bit self-aggrandizing. She is a single woman who expresses her regret at not marrying, “but apparently, it makes me a throwback to the ’50s: pathetic, desperate, needy, immature, creepy, weak, Ann Coulter meets the Devil and a few other phrases I can’t print in a family newspaper. I know, because I’ve made this confession before”.
 
Really!? Who does this woman associate with? Obviously not happily-married couples or she would not encounter such outré opinions. Does she, I wondered, exaggerate her plight in a bid for attention and pity? At the start of another article, Gottlieb discusses how she and a friend — another single mother by choice — long for partners. So does this friend consider her a pariah for wanting a partner? It turns out she is referring to email messages from strangers replying to an article she wrote advocating “settling”. Please! You can generate hate mail on any topic, bar none. As I suspected, she exaggerates in a bid to make her point and push her book. How sad and misleading.
 
As I read through Gottlieb’s comments about herself and her other single friends, I found a litany of what these women thought they needed and wanted in a mate to complete and complement their lives. Not once did she paint a picture of women open to love, romance, and fun. Is it a surprise that fabulous men were not lining up to go on fun dates with these self-centered women?
 
My romantic soul was particularly offended by her statement “that husbands and wives actually spent little time together”. Wives and mothers, in Gottlieb’s ideal world, spend most of their time with the children and other mothers and children. The more I read, the more I wondered if she was looking or a husband or “breeder-provider”. It was off-putting. For the first time I understood exactly what men meant when they described how frightening it was to sit down on a first date with a ticking biological time-bomb.
 
I don’t have children. I didn’t want them. I know motherhood is a deep visceral drive for many women, and I respect that. Many men want children too. But does it justify taking love out of the equations of marriage?
 
Children are only part of marriage. Marriage is also about love, passion, companionship and many other things. Children do, after all, grow up. What bothers me about Gottlieb’s book is she talks about passion and chemistry — and then about doing without them. Gottlieb is more comfortable talking about learning to love than falling in love or loving.
 
As she advocates settling for “Mr. Good Enough”, I can’t imagine what would attract any man to a woman who sees love and marriage in such a light.
 
Ms. Gottlieb is the polar opposite of the young ladies who toss themselves too easily at young college boys on campuses where males may be scarce. She advises women to be realistic and use sensible criteria for choosing a mate before it is too late to breed. It sounds sensible, but it is cold and lacking in passion. I assure you there is more to love and marriage.
 
Darlings, if you think that I am telling women to give up on romance, nothing could be further from the truth. Respect and cherish yourself. Wait for what you want. If you are ready to meet someone, don’t necessarily wait in your room. It isn’t the best place to meet anyone. Get out and do interesting things that you genuinely enjoy. Be the intelligent, delightful, and compassionate person you are with everyone, including men. One of my friends met her husband at her own yoga studio; they were both over 35. Another friend met her husband at their engineering association.
 
Contrary to what you hear in the media, eligible men are everywhere. To weed out the bad ones, focus on what do, more than what they say. Players tend to talk a good game, but behavior is telling. Watch how men treat you and if they let you down or treat you badly, drop them.
 
If you or anyone you know got to a school where there are fewer men than women, focus on academics instead of joining the harem. You may excel as something that will give you a boost later. Consider a semester abroad or a transfer to an Ivy League School where the odds are better.  Darlings, most men are hunters — they value what they have to work for, but then again, don’t you?
 
Love really does come to those who wait and work it intelligently. I have seen it many  times. My husband can tell you the phrase “good enough” makes me crazy. Good enough is good enough for no one. So darlings, have a Valentine’s Day and never settle for less then fabulous!
 
 
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“Facebook is where you can find everyone you didn’t sleep with…

Mercy's star Taylor Schilling

I decided to investigate after hearing a provocative teaser from NBC’s new show Mercy. One of the lead characters says “Facebook is where you can find everyone you didn’t get to sleep with in high school and college.”
 
The writers of that show have a whole different perspective on Facebook than the one I’m privy to, but I could see where they were coming from. Tales of unrequited or long-lost first love is nothing new. My own sister reunited with her high school boyfriend. They have two children now. She never moved far from our home town, nor did he. What Facebook does is make every place accessible. And there is the potential for havoc for those hitting a rough patch in their current relationships. Also there are those who never get over their first loves, and others who hold an overly romantic view of the past.
 
According to a recent article in the www.telegraph.co.uk, Mark Keenan, Managing Director of Divorce-Online said: "I had heard from my staff that there were a lot of people saying they had found out things about their partners on Facebook and I decided to see how prevalent it was. I was really surprised to see 20 per cent of all the petitions containing references to Facebook.” According to some experts, the stats say women who cheat and are caught usually are divorced by angry husbands. Men who cheat are often forgiven and suffer much less from their Internet dalliance.
 
And it isn’t just married couples who are affected by Facebook’s potential for relationship havoc. Social psychologists from theUniversity of Guelph in Canada questioned a group of college students about the effect of Facebook on their romantic relationships. Their preliminary findings, described in the journal CyberPsychology & Behavior, suggest that Facebook use may be fueling jealousy and other unhealthy behavior.

Take away the extremely public nature of Facebook and its ability to broadcast one’s indiscretions and the only question remaining is — is any of this new? I don’t think so.
 
Darlings, over the years I have known crazy jealous people; men and women. They were born insecure and jealous and they will die that way. Nothing seems to squelch their suspicions. They see plots and poachers everywhere. Don’t linger near their spouse; even if you are eight months pregnant, they’ll suspect you of flirting. It’s craziness of a special kind, I suspect those who stay married to them enjoy the sick attention. I give these people a wide berth.
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Facebook is tailor-made for players. They can keep several women on a string, without even leaving home. These guys love the game. They enjoy feeding the fires of jealousy. Anyone who loves a cheater is bound to be miserable or crazy or both. 
 
Granted, the potential for crazy-making on Facebook is boundless with all the updates and commentary from friends. But is it any different than the endless chatter of high school or college dorms, if you are vulnerable to that sort of insanity? Just as with the 24-hour news cycle of today, or the endless stream of cheap celebrity gossip — you can switch it off at will. 
 
After over 25 years of marriage, I can offer a few suggestions on how to survive Facebook and a few other relationship challenges. Accept that a cheater is a cheater and will never change. If you love one, get over it, or accept being miserable. It sounds harsh, but in the long run you will save your self a world of pain.
 
Foolish behavior can lead to foolish choices by otherwise sensible people. That’s why smart, well-intentioned people avoid sticky-icky situations. Any situation fueled by too much alcohol will probably result in trouble, so avoid them.
 
Flirting is natural and fun, but if it happens too often or gets too edgy, stop it if your not free to follow-up on it. 
 
Anyone who guards their email and cell phone is a bad relationship bet; normal people do not have secrets. If something feels wrong, it probably is. If you feel like you‘re dating a stalker, you have a problem. Get away from them and get help. If you feel like someone is cheating, and you are not a jealous maniac, you may be right.  
 
None of this advice is new. Too few people trust their instincts when it comes to starting new relationships or maintaining old ones.   I don’t think Facebook is the culprit when things go baldy between two people. 
 
Some experts say Facebook is addictive and causes rage, as family members feel tuned out. Perhaps, but is it any different than being ignored by a workaholic, alcoholic or anyone who chooses to ignore you for substance abuse? I don’t get it, we are all allowed hobbies, but I have never understood how computer addiction could compete with real live humans.
 
Elena " a popular girl" showed up on TV-land's Class Reunion"to  find a man", Facebook could  have saved her time and travel. Facebook may help you find everyone you didn’t get to sleep with in high school and college, if that’s your thing. It also makes reconnecting with old friends a snap. For those of us who have moved many times this is a boon. It’s also fabulous tool for keeping up with new friends instantly in a new city. And if you are single and looking, who is to say the devil you know is not better and safer than the one you might you find on an online dating site? Why not date an old friend from the past?
 
No darlings, Facebook doesn’t ruin relationships, bad choices do. Please send you r coments to domore@dolcedolce.com
 

 

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