Wives, lives, and lies

You have most likely heard about the resignation of Eliot Spitzer - the former Governor of New York in a now all too familiar tale of human weakness. If you read newspapers, watch television, or listen to the radio, you have also been treated to yet another discussion of: American prudery vs. European sophistication; the world of high paid call girls; and the pros and cons of legalizing prostitution. These are all subjects the media toss around every time a high-profile person gets caught.

The media wades in repeating platitudes about victimless crimes, evoking Nevada and Amsterdam, and booking retired madams and call girls to analyze the situation. The rest of us marvel as pictures of the allegedly high-paid call girl trickles into view. They are usually, as in this case, ordinary pretty girls - not raving beauties. We wonder - or at least I do - what they do to command their high fees? But in the end who cares? It’s simply not that interesting. We’ve heard it all before and there is nothing new about the world’s oldest profession.

Nor do I find it interesting that Americans are so upset when their politicians fall from grace. It’s our national character - our style so to speak - that we indulge in a very public outrage. It goes back to the days of Franklin and Adams.

I find it amusing that so many so-called sophisticates still think that European or Asian women tolerate infidelity with equanimity. Having friends of many diverse backgrounds, I assure you they do not. When I read a journalist quoting Russian women as saying, “prostitution is considered normal here”. I wonder what point the journalist is making. I worked and lived with educated women in Moscow. Prostitutes and strip bars exist there, and the Russian reaction to them was perhaps not the same as the outrage some of the American and British housewives felt in Moscow; but that does not mean that Russian women accept infidelity in their own lives. Heaven help the man who misunderstood that concept; it is not tolerated.  And in case you missed it, the French were more than miffed with their latest president’s Hef-like antics this summer. He failed to show the legendary French discretion, as he frolicked. The public was not happy. It is all a matter of style when it comes to how we tolerate public indiscretion.  

What I found most appalling in this latest scandal is the number of women who chose to criticize Silda Wall Spitzer, for standing by her husband. I won’t even acknowledge tirade by the so-called Dr. Laura.  She accused the poor woman of failing her husband and driving him to prostitution. The educated mind reels.

What I found most appalling in this latest scandal is the number of women who chose to criticize Silda Wall Spitzer, for standing by her husband. I won’t even acknowledge tirade by the so-called Dr. Laura.  She accused the poor woman of failing her husband and driving him to prostitution. The educated mind reels.

Experts will tell you human psychology and sexuality is complex. These drives that can propel otherwise seemingly intelligent men to acts that are often their undoing can be encoded as early as childhood. There are many theories as there are acts. I don’t know the reasons some high profile men cheat. They are most likely no more complex than the reasons anyone else does.

I know there are many reasons a woman might choose to stand beside her husband.  I’m amazed so many women feel free to judge other women for doing so - especially women with children. How dare they call for a wife to stand up for herself by condemning her husband’s actions? How do they know that she is not doing exactly what she deems to be best for both herself and her children?

So-called savvy political columnists call these wives ambitious and dismiss them as members of the “loyal wives club”.  They hint that their motives are suspect and they stay in the marriages for less than laudable reasons. They heap their polite scorn on women for tolerating their partners’ infidelity. The phrase that these women “stand by their man’ is tirelessly repeated, evoking the old outdated stereotype. There is usually only a cursory mention of the fact that most of these women are accomplished, educated professionals as well as in long-term relationships. One of these journalists actually evoked Jackie Kennedy in their particular condemnation. I think few political wives have weathered adversity with more class and style than Jackie Kennedy; who remains a role-model today as both a mother and a career woman. I remember her famous quote: “If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do matters very much.”  Perhaps if you cure cancer or bring about world peace who could argue with her sentiment, but that is a pretty big but. There is little or no respect given to women that choose to stay and work it out in marriages that get rough. There’s just scorn.

How dare these journalists judge? In their own way they show as little respect for marriage as a cheating spouse. Marriage isn’t easy, and I have seen the hell couples go through surviving infidelity. I can’t even imagine the burden of this type of public scrutiny. Marriage without infidelity is a challenge and not for the selfish or the fickle.

It makes me wonder about much of today’s popular media and the values they reflect. Are they simply young and callous; still to learn how hard and complex life is? Or are they bitter and disillusioned; quick to condemn anyone who is willing to try again? Do they resent anyone who believes in redemption?

It strikes me as odd that wives are targets in a society where one can come back from terrible errors in judgment.  The call girl in this drama is well on her way to minor stardom and has already made millions of dollars from her website. But a wife is a target of scorn because she sticks by her marriage and keeps her own counsel. Sometimes standing your ground quietly is the toughest thing anyone can do.

Silda Wall Spitzer could always decide to resign from what I think of as the “classy-women-with-guts-club”, write an embarrassingly tacky tell-all memoir, go on all the talk-shows, and have a good shot of becoming one of America’s newest instant celebrities. I am sure there would be legions of talk show hosts to hold her hand and pass the tissues if she wants to tearfully milk her public humiliation. I hope she won’t.

In a splendid piece of irony, another woman, Cyndi Hoffman, has actually been criticized by some for exposing her sister’s well-reviewed but fraudulent memoir.  The book Love and Consequences by Margaret Seltzer is a memoir of a biracial child raised in the hard world of L.A. gangs. It is a complete fabrication by a privileged private-schooled, white writer. Seltzer’s sister saw a profile of her sister in a magazine and blew the whistle. 

The fall-out was considerable for several reasons. First off all, there has been a slew of false memoirs from James Frey, who was exposed after his triumph on Oprah with his tale of drug addiction in A Million Little Pieces. Misha Defonseca fabricated a tale of holocaust survival.

There is nothing new in all of this. An aging Mary McCarthy accused her famous rival Lillian Hellman on Dick Cavett’s talk show in the 1970sby pithily stating “every word she writes is a lie, including ‘and’ and ‘the’”. Most of us watching laughed and shook our heads at their legendary feud. Both had long been accused of “embroidering” their tales. Perhaps it was less upsetting than amusing, as we had all come to know these great literary ladies as “characters” in the truest sense of the word.

I was surprised at those who accused Seltzer’s sister of jealousy for exposing her sister’s fraud. Since when does family loyalty demand complicity on this scale, especially when the fraud implicated her entire family?

Seltzer’s explanation for her own behavior is weak. She claims she sought to give a voice to the problem of people in the world she depicted. Those who commit literary fraud these days have similarly weak excuses about the difficulty of being heard.

I wonder what it says about our media that so many journalists have ink to spare on the excuses of literary fraudsters. To entertain jealousy as a motive for exposing so gross a fraud boggles my mind. Normal outrage at placing one’s family in such a position would be motive enough for many as well as the belief that it is wrong to lie and defraud the public. Yet members of the same media don’t hesitate to dismiss a wife in a difficult situation as a “member of the stand-by-your-man club”, knowing full well the disparaging image that phrase evokes.

I think the matters that one may choose to criticize, perhaps says more about the person doing the criticizing than the one being held up to scorn. I am not quick to run to judgment on other people’s relationships.  I agree with Barbara Walters, another classy lady with guts, who said she found the Spitzer situation sad. As for those who claim to have a lock on the truth, well darlings, I have learned they often have the most to hide. 

The diet for people who work

may work for you

Registered dietician Heather Bauer knows that a fast-paced high pressured career makes it hard to maintain a healthful diet and almost impossible to lose weight. Her high-profile clientele includes bankers, lawyers, CEOs and creative people at the top of their game. They have drive and focus; all they’re missing is a strategy that works with deadlines, entertaining, and stress. If this sounds like you, my darling DolceDolce Type-A achievers, don’t miss this exclusive interview full of Heather’s tips. Heather’s book, The Wall Street Diet, is a great read. She has a truly different and inspiring approach to weight loss and healthful eating.

DD: How did you come up with the Wall Street diet?

HB: This diet was created because most of my clients told me that they had tried and failed at any number of popular diets.  They simply were too busy to follow any particular ‘plan’.  So they’d start a diet and do well for a period of time, but then slip back into their regular ways.  They needed something different and that’s what the Wall Street Diet is.  It’s not a series of menus.  Rather it’s a whole new approach.  You figure out your Eating ID, you read through my basic list of recommended foods – The Template – and then you learn the strategies that work for your lifestyle.  I wrote the book because the diet was so successful with so many of my clients that it seemed it would translate well for many people who don’t have time to fit  another project – a diet – into their busy lives.

DD: Can one really lose weight and eat a few of their favourite or as you call them “non-negotiable” foods?

HB: Yes.  Absolutely.  It’s all about making good choices and making decisions in advance.  The extra ‘non-negotiables’ that people really can’t live without – like a couple of Hershey kisses, some cream in your coffee or an extra glass of wine – they’re fine as long as you pay attention to what you’re doing.  It’s all about the bigger picture.  You can lose weight if you pay attention.  If you’re consistently making healthy choices, you will lose weight.  Now you can’t make a pint of ice cream or a daily bag of chips a non-negotiable.  But a bit of extra alcohol or a reasonable dessert – that’s ok.  You just have to make it fit into an overall healthy picture and not let it encourage you to slip into a ‘might as well’ day where you let a single treat begin an avalanche of bad eating decisions.  I’m very clear in the book about how you can enjoy ‘non-negotiables’ and still reach your goals.  It’s not hard; it just takes a little attention.

DD: Are their different types of eaters, and do they have to diet differently? 

HB: When I work with clients, the advice I give them is totally customized.  But I noticed over time that my clients could be broken into two general groups: the Clean Plate Clubbers and the Controlled Eaters.  By using these two groups I’ve managed to create a ‘choose-your-own-adventure’ diet:  This is not a one-size-fits-all plan.  The Clean Platers are what you might think: they love to eat and they have trouble stopping.  The Controlled Eaters eat too much but it’s largely because of their environment.  In the book I help readers discover which type of eater they are.  It’s important because, depending on which type you are, you’ll use different strategies.  The foods are similar but the strategies are different and using the right strategies can be crucial to success.  For example, the Clean Plate Clubbers can do better if they eat a late dinner and should usually avoid snacking because snacks can be triggers for them.  Controlled Eaters often need snacks to help them control what they eat at their next meal.

DD: Is it possible to diet, lose weight and still have a cocktail or glass of wine?

HB: Absolutely.  Again, that’s figuring in your non-negotiables.  One glass is always free. It it’s a cocktail, it can’t be a Mohito or a Cosmopolitan which are too caloric and too tasty!  You have to make a good choice – a choice you can enjoy but limit.  For example, many clients have told me that they can’t stop with one glass of wine.  For them, a vodka and soda would be a better choice because they can sip it for a long time but they’re not tempted to order two more.  (Also, a waiter in a restaurant won’t automatically re-fill a mixed drink as he might a glass of wine.)  The point is, it’s never that one drink that makes you gain weight.  It’s the two or three drinks that encourage you to make bad food choices.  It’s not the alcohol calories that count: it’s the loss of inhibition that allows you to chow down on wings and fries that night and then the next day feel so badly that you continue with the binge.  It’s never just about the calories; it’s about the kind of calories and how you feel.  That’s why I think that diets that rely just on calories are tough to stick with and effective strategies are what it’s all about. 

DD: How much of successful weight loss is habit?  

HB : Most of successful weight loss is habit.  Creating a plan or a system that works for you every single day. That’s why I promote what I call “phase eating”.  Being a Phase Eater means that you rely on certain food choices day after day.  You might have the same simple breakfast – say, yogurt with fresh fruit – every day for weeks.  Your lunch could be a salad with protein.  And then one of two or three frozen dinners that you keep on hand.  When you’re super-busy, having automatic meal choices makes your life easier.  Eating well becomes second nature and the pounds disappear.  It may feel odd in the beginning but most of my clients tell me that “Phase Eating” works very well for them.

DD: What are some of the classic ways your clients sabotage their weight loss?

HB: Two big issues for most people are The Slip, where they eat a meal that’s not a healthy meal and then their day becomes a “might as well” day.  This often happens if they’re at a meeting, for example, and there’s nothing to eat but bagels, muffins and scones.  Or if they’re at a dinner party and they overindulge.  Then they feel that their bad choice has ruined their day and they ‘might as well’ eat anything in sight.  They write the day off and tell themselves they’ll start tomorrow.  This is why I’ve included recovery tips in the book.  Like Protein Days and other very specific ways for people to recover from a bad choice.

Another common issue is weekend eating.  Many of my clients have told me that they used to do well all week, but when the weekend came, it was no holds barred!  It’s obvious that your eating opportunities are going to differ weekdays to weekends.  That’s why the Wall Street Diet devotes a chapter to weekend eating and how to manage the challenges that weekends pose like making breakfast for the kids or how to get through a fast food restaurant with the kids after soccer practice or how to order when you’re having brunch with friends.  I even have a no-brainer snack plan for a rainy Sunday.

When people have strategies to help them cope with the weak points in their diet lives – and it’s amazing how many of us share the same weaknesses – it really makes a difference.

DD: Can someone who flies a lot and entertains for business really stay on a weight loss program and not feel totally deprived?

HB: Absolutely.  Again, they just need to know the strategies that work.  My blanket suggestion for business travel is to make it a spa trip.  Change the way you look at it.  Take advantage of the wake up call to get to the gym or exercise in your room.  Order up a healthy breakfast.  Without the responsibilities of home and family, you have some time to devote to yourself so take advantage of it.  Of course I also have lots of specific strategies on how to cope with the mini-bar in the room and how to get a great breakfast running through the airport at 5 am.  Remember, losing weight is not about willpower; it’s about strategies.   

Strategies are especially important if you have to do a lot of business entertaining.  Many clients have told me that they never had trouble with their weight until they had to eat out all the time.  At first, it’s “Wow!  Free food!”  But 20 pounds later, it’s less about the food and more about how to navigate the situation so you can reach and stick with your goals.  So you need to learn how to be a Stealth Diner and hide your goals from business associates (no editing the menu, which many people find so annoying.)  You need to learn how to master the menu and choose the best, healthiest options.  You also need to make decisions in advance – this is very important – about how you’re going to handle alcohol, the bread basket and dessert – the three diet challenges we all face.  Once you’ve developed strategies to cope with these issues, you’re on your way to successful weight loss.

DD: How important is exercise to weight loss? How can someone still manage to work out when they are super busy and exhausted?

HB: Exercise is a tough issue for many people.  I am an avid exerciser so it’s automatic for me, but many of my clients have used their inability to exercise – no time! – as a reason to avoid any effort to lose weight and get healthy.  This really is a mistake.  In the end, eating well should be your priority. If you can’t find time to exercise now, don’t worry about it.  You can find time to eat well. Weight loss is largely the result of diet.  Exercise is important for the body – the heart, stress relief, etc. – but if you start with the right foods, exercise will follow.  I can almost guarantee that once you lose five or 10 pounds, you’ll be eager to exercise.  I’ve seen it happen time and again with my clients.  So start with the Plan, the Strategies and the healthy eating.  Don’t let exercise aversion stop you from losing weight!

DD: Do you have just a few quick tips for anyone who feels totally depressed and overwhelmed by their weight and inability to diet and exercise?

HB: Start right now.  At your next meal.  Don’t be overwhelmed by what you think you have ahead of you – the time it might take to lose weight or the problems you’ve had losing in the past.  Start with one simple goal: cut out the Dry Carbs – the white refined starches and sugars.  Eliminate them completely.  Choose a couple of healthy breakfasts you’ll enjoy.  If you’re a Controlled Eater, pick a snack that will get you through the afternoon and maybe an evening snack.  Get yourself a few frozen dinners and make today the first day of your Wall Street Diet.

Buy yourself a new pair of shoes.  You’ll feel great and feeling great is an important part of successful weight management.  Remember that everyone these days is stressed and overcommitted.  But good health and losing weight is about time management as much as anything else.  There are lots of things in your life that you can’t change and that you have to juggle but you can always choose what you eat.

Shower on your sunscreen

I recently saw a TV news story on futuristic products that included sunscreen soaps. Well darlings, they have been snoozing because it’s all ready here! Bethesda Sunscreen Soap is the perfect first step for those with super-sun-sensitive skin. It's also a great way to get a base coat of sun protection on those who tend to skimp on application; I’m thinking husbands and teens. 

www.bethesdaskincare.com

Bethesda Sunscreen Soap has a minimum SPF 10 and smells great. It contains aloe, chlorophyll, the herb Healing Balm of Gilead, and glycerin. It’s soothing to sufferers of psoriasis, eczema, and acne - and a solution for anyone who has a reaction to regular sunscreen. SPF 10 is not adequate for more than brief exposure - so add another sunscreen on top, or wear a hat and other protective clothing, if sunscreen gives you a problem.

www.theraplex.com

Princess and the pea

Do you remember the tale of the princess and the pea? The poor girl was so sensitive she could even feel a pea under her mattress. Well sometimes dry skin can be just that irritating. Your skin just itches and your nose twitches. Winter is bad, but spring with allergies can be even worse - everything seems to scratch. Fear not sensitive one; rescue is near with Theraplex. This line of dermatologist-endorsed products has serious moisturizers to banish dry skin. They are truly fragrance-free and have a special type of non-greasy petroleum that seals in moisture. There is also a heavenly bath oil, and a foot cream with salicylic acid to exfoliate. I rub a bit around all my nail beds to strengthen nails and help cuticles. Salicylic is the best for nails!

Trail of Crumbs:

Hunger, Love and the Search for

Home by Kim Sunee

This is one of my favourite types of books - a savory memoir. Kim Sunee was abandoned as a child and adopted  by a loving family from New Orleans. Sunee finds solace from all her troubles in cooking. A quirky story full of favour and redolent with the spices of several cultures. I couldn’t put it down, even though I was exasperated with the author at times over her inability to appreciate her own good fortune.

My Soul to Keep by Melanie Wells set in Texas is a spooky tale of kidnapping and suspense. It features the character Dylan Foster, a rebellious psychology professor. Spooky and creepy, this above average mystery will appeal to fans of the show Medium. It kept me interested and distracted for an evening.

Anatomy of A Trend by Henrik Vejlgaard  is a must-read if you loved Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell. Refreshingly, this is not another rehash; the author has his own theories of how and why trends begin. This Danish prof shows the predictable patterns behind trends. This is a fascinating primer on how to be ahead of the curve and who is likely to be in the lead.

Banana muffins 

Last week on Top Chef - one of my favourite indulgences on Bravo - a chef was saved from elimination by whipping up her mother's recipe for banana bread. I’m not surprised. Banana bread is a crowd-pleaser. Best of all, it is easy to make, economical, and can be healthful. I often bake my banana bread as muffins. This is an alternative to many commercial muffins, which are enormous and loaded with extra fat and sugar. While my recipe is not low-fat or low-calorie, the muffins are nomal-sized and have less than half the calories of their commercial counterparts. You can be even more virtuous by using this recipe to bake almost two-and-a-half-dozen mini-muffins. Just don’t eat too many at any one time! What’s more, a single commercial muffin can cost about $3 at a coffee shop, but you can make an entire batch of these fresh, additive-free muffins for the same price. Inspired? I hope so.

This really is a snap. I usually make the whole recipe in my food processor. Over the years I have also used a hand mixer and even a bowl, using a potato masher on the bananas. This recipe makes a lighter-than-average, very moist bread or muffin. I also add nuts and dry fruit, but that is optional.

 Cream together:

½ cup of butter

¾ cup of sugar

2 eggs

Add:

Pulp from 3 ripe bananas

Add:

1¾ cups of flour

2¼ tsp. baking soda

dash of salt.

¼ cup of yogurt or milk

Mix well, but do not over-mix

Add, but do not crush with processor, a half cup of mixed nuts and dried fruit to taste. Walnuts and almonds are good, as are chopped apricots and figs, or dried cranberries.

Makes: 1 loaf pan, 1 dozen muffins, or 2 ½ mini muffins. Grease pans/spray with oil. Fill almost to the top of muffin cups. I do not use muffins papers, as I like the muffins to be browned. They also pop right out of the muffin pan, but do as you like.

Bake in preheat 350o oven:

All ovens are different, so check in the last 10 minutes

Loaf: 40-50 minutes

Muffins: 20-30 minutes

Mini Muffins: 12-15 minutes

This recipe freezes well in a zip lock bag. Enjoy them at your leisure.

I hope you all have had a lovely and loving week surrounded by friends who support your decisions and wouldn’t dream of questioning you at a difficult time. Trust and respect are two of the greatest gifts we can give each other. Relax, and take time to enjoy those who are most precious to you. Keep them close and in your thoughts, darlings. And if you have a spare hour and are so inclined, bake some banana muffins. The scent is divine and your family and friends will adore you for it.

Until next week, please sign-up if you haven’t - DolceDolce is free. And forward us to all your friends. Because life should be sweet