Charm them, darlings

A few years ago, another woman columnist stopped me as I was about to enter the ballroom at a large media function for dinner. I knew her for years - not well, but well enough to chat. She asked whether I knew the people she was sitting with and quickly rattled off a few names. I didn’t and she became even more agitated, so I couldn’t resist asking why. She stated she had to know who they were to speak with them. I thought she was kidding, but she was deadly earnest.

None of those seated with her was anyone she necessarily should have known - a prospective employer or European royalty. So, I suggested she introduce herself and let them do the same. I added that people generally relish the opportunity to talk about themselves and she could just relax and get to know everyone, instead of trying to cram in the corridor. “Oh no, Gracey, that requires charm. That’s your thing. I can't do that,” she said dismissively, as she walked a way.

I didn’t know if I should have laughed or cried. Don’t get me wrong; I am all for going to social occasions prepared. I was raised on the credo that a good guest should sing for her supper. I believe one should always “read up” on current affairs, or a good book or two, and be prepared to talk and show interest in others.

I also believe that unless one is dealing with a hoard of ungovernable political or journalistic types who live to debate, one should have the sense to park controversies and nasty fits of emotion at the door when socializing. After all, your hard-working hostess didn’t spend hours planning, cooking, and shopping to set the stage for a badly-behaved narcissist.

No darlings, hostesses dream-of, and invite back, guests who sparkle and shine with witty conversation. They also adore those who listen and applaud graciously. Everyone loves a guest with charm. Don’t get me wrong; all the charm in the world won’t make up for bad manners - not over the long haul. Be reasonably well-behaved and charming, and the world is your oyster.

Charm is becoming as scarce and precious a commodity as oil. It shouldn’t be but observation tells me it’s so. I can tell by the incredible reaction the smallest amount of charm elicits in daily life. It’s amazing how a warm smile and cheerful demeanor ungrumps the grouchiest salespeople, bank clerks, and even airline personnel. I have found a pleasant manner works on everyone from immigration officers to toll collectors. And if you toss in basic manners, such as the seemingly extinct words ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, wondrous things sometimes happen.

If you’re asking yourself ‘why bother?’ I think you’ll find the world is a nicer place when everyone uses a little charm and grace in their daily interactions. It takes the edge off things and relaxes everyone. After all, the world can be a rough place; bad and stressful things happen to perfectly lovely people all the time. So why not be a soft moment in their day? Why ration your charm? Why not use it all the time and keep it fine-tuned and natural - just like breathing?

There are those who think charm is superficial; they couldn't be more wrong. Very few phonies are found to be charming for long. The same goes for attention grabbers or anyone else in it for the show. True charm comes from the heart, and genuine interest and enthusiasm for others. That could be why charm is one of the best beauty secrets in the world. Author Edgar Saltus put it aptly: “A plain woman is one who, however beautiful, neglects to charm.” Let’s face it darlings, anything that makes you smile is a beauty treatment and good for your mental health too.

I’ll be the first to admit I don't always wake up in a happy, happy mood. Far from it. I believe if you make an effort with your public self you soon will feel better. It works. The few times it doesn’t, I go home.  A rotten mood is as attractive as a head cold and just as infectious. My motto is bathtubs are for sulking and best friends are for sympathy, but don’t overdo either.

I don’t know when charm began to be seen by some as a weakness. I had the distinct feeling that my fellow female columnist was not paying me a compliment when she said, ‘charm is your thing.’ The implication was clear: she couldn’t be bothered.

What a shame. I know many successful few men who would not have viewed charm so dismissively. I also know quite a few successful women who would also have been shocked by her stance. It’s a shame how some people grab onto a few wrong-headed ideas and stick to them. Sadly, attractive and intelligent men and women who have trouble finding or maintaining relationships often lack just one thing: charm.

www.amazon.com

Charm is irresistible. French author Henri-Frederic Amiel put it delightfully: “charm is the quality in others that makes us more satisfied with ourselves”. Writer and pundit Gore Vidal calls it an aphrodisiac.

Darlings, charm is - if nothing else - an essential ingredient of a sweet life. I am sure you have charm to spare, so please help spread the message. Don’t ration your charm, squander it. You may be deluged by invitations, but deal with it. If you are single, you may have scores of new suitors. Just turn down the wattage if it gets to be all too much. Let’s bring in spring on a tide of charm. 

All eyes on China

At DolceDolce, we stay on top of trends in our unique way. So - as all eyes turn towards Beijing as it hosts the 2008 Summer Olympic Games later this year - we talk with award-winning author and food writer Nicole Mones. She discusses her novel, The Last Chinese Chef, as well her impressions of China, gleaned from her latest trip just eight months ago.

The Last Chinese Chef is a must-read tale of a woman who finds new love and hope in China after her husband dies. A clever book within a book, it interweaves mouthwatering and erudite descriptions of Chinese cookery. It’s impossible to put down; the characters and scenes still linger in my mind. Gourmets and bibliophiles alike will be transported.

DD: What gave you the idea for The Last Chinese Chef? I know the book within the book is fictional. Do similar old stories exist in China?

NM:I don’t know if similar stories exist in China, but a lot of food writings from down through the centuries definitely exist in China. Even some of the very earliest writings that survive from the dawn of Chinese history concern food. If you compare classical works of the West (i.e. in Greek and Latin) with classical works of China, the proportion of writerly attention focused on food is much greater in China. Through the dynasties since then many celebrated writers – poets, essayists – also wrote passionately about food. As historian Jonathan Spence has observed of the Qing gentry, there was a tao of eating just as there was a tao of literature and a tao of conduct. So for hundreds of years, you had a lot of very serious, scholarly thinkers spending a lot of time writing about food – not just what it means to be a cook but what it means to be a gourmet. There’s a very rich body of food writing that’s come down to us in the Chinese tradition, which, of course, most Americans never get a chance to see.

So I thought it would be fun to invent a book-within-a-book, a Chinese food classic supposedly written in the early 20th century, filled with the ideas and principles and kinds of observations I have come across in real Chinese food writing through history.

That was actually my first inspiration to write The Last Chinese Chef. I wanted to write the faux food classic first and build a novel around it.

DD: Your male characters are very believable. How do you get so inside the male persona?

NM:I have a husband and two sons, whom I adore, and lots of male friends; I love men and always have. I’ve always been interested in what they had to say.

DD: In the book you show a great understanding for the customs and traditions of Chinese families, particularly the great warmth and loyalty that exists among family members. This is interesting because many Westerners often hold the misconception that the Chinese are cold. How did you learn so much about something so private?

NM: You know, I often wonder how these ideas even get started, because one thing Chinese most definitely are not, especially on the family level, is cold. There is tremendous loyalty and obligation and affection in the family.

Chinese family life may seem private to someone on a tour, but if you spend a lot of time there, you are bound to get to know people well and inevitably to meet and maybe become connected to their families. This was a source of great comfort to me as an inexperienced young foreign woman spending a lot of time alone in China right after the Cultural Revolution.

DD: What is the greatest misconception most first time visitors bring to China?

NM: Right now, in 2008, I would say most first-time visitors are shocked that it’s become so modern so fast. I think a lot of people are still expecting to see what they would have seen 10 or 20 years ago.

DD: You just returned from a trip to China. It is changing so quickly what has changed since you were last there? And how long has it been since your last visit?

NM: It had been about eight months since my last visit to China when I went in January. I went to take a class at a rural cooking school in Guangxi province, which was really fun. I have an article about it in the May issue of Gourmet. What really surprised me this last trip was how many more restaurants there were in Beijing! Sometimes I saw six or eight on every block!

DD: Your books seem to be very much about how a place can affect a person’s emotions and perceptions. How do you think China affects most people?

NM: That is a great question. I believe – for me at least – China has a powerful effect of bouncing me out of my habit-patterns. Whenever I am stuck in a rut mentally or emotionally, being in China seems to re-set me. It has had this effect from the very first time I went there, and still does. I have always felt that it’s because it is so different from our daily world here. If part of what we are as people is the world around us, then it makes sense that going to a world where few things are the same might free up one’s elemental self. I think this is an effect a person can begin to feel even after just touring China for a few weeks.

As for longer-term involvement, one thing I have noticed in observing foreigners there over the past 30 years is that many expats seem to be subliminally engaged in re-making themselves, re-dreaming themselves in China There were few foreigners in China between 1949 and 1979, so especially in the decades immediately after that, people didn’t have so many expectations about what you would be like. It was, and is, oddly liberating.

DD: Shanghai is very different than Beijing, known to some as the “Paris” of China. Could you please share a few of your favourite restaurants and not to be missed spots there?

NM: Definitely. First of all, I really recommend trying Shanghainese food. Originally developed for the wealthy merchants and financiers and industrialists who made the place, it is rich, oily, a little sweet, and filled with the extravagance of things like fabulous seafood. Like all Chinese regional cuisines it is more varied than you probably imagine.  One excellent place is Bao Luo, which like all top Chinese restaurants is jammed all the time, so make a reservation. Shen Jian Bao, a large pan-fried pork-filled bun crusted with sesame, is outstanding. So is their red-cooked river fish, which is brought out alive for you to inspect first. Also visit Jishi, a cramped place down rickety stairs but with incredible food. Wild herbs with bean curd, marinated razor clams, and braised pork knuckle are all fantastic. I also think Shanghai Uncle is very good – it’s a little more modern, a tiny bit less traditional than Bao Luo and Jishi, but the food is great. Best Shanghai-style smoked fish in town, and that’s saying something. ‘Eight Treasure with Sticky Rice Cake’ is divine – chewy rice cakes cooked in a piquant brown sauce with pine nuts, cubed pork, and diced mushrooms, toped with a mound of crystal-fresh shrimp.

Several Hunanese restaurants in Shanghai really stand out. One is Di Shui Dong, where you can’t miss the cumin-and-chile crusted spare ribs. Another is Guyi, with an excellent range of spicy hunan dishes served with homemade lemon sodas.

Shanghai’s famous dumplings are to be found in many upscale places (including the somewhat overrated Lu Bo Lang). But for soup dumplings, which may be the city’s most famous street snack, I am partial to those served on the street. The tiny hole in the wall Jia Jia Tang Bao on Huanghe Lu off Fengyang Lu is easy to find; it’s the place with the line of people snaking down the sidewalk. What’s a 30-minute wait for dumplings like these? A basket of crab-and-pork soup dumplings costs RMB16.50 (about $2.50) and makes all things right with the world.

For more about Nicole Mones, visit her website: www.nicolemones.com

Give your skin a boost

Skin ages in very personal ways. Who’s to say what’s worse: lines, wrinkles, spots, or sags? None of it is flattering or fun. Now technology brings us more than yesterday’s “hope in a jar”. Today’s products use science to target the signs of aging and help keep skin looking fresh and youthful.

Olay Definity Night Re Energizing Serum is a new, lightweight and moisturizing product in the popular line of glucosomine complex-based products. It is designed to restore your skin’s luminosity and help banish discoloration and fine lines.

L’Oreal Paris Collagen Remodeler for Face and Neck comes in a version for daytime use - with a 15 SPF - as well as a formulation for night-time. With Collagen Bio-Activator - a natural alfalfa extract - these products target a key sign of aging, volume loss. L’Oreal Paris Collagen Remodeler for Face and Neck comes packaged in neat, spaced-age pump cylinders. Both lotions smell divine.

AminoGenesis Tripeptinon Facial Lift Capsules are part of a new treatment line based on 17 amino acids derived from plants. AminioGenesis claims to penetrate the skin and to help repair it. The capsules are part of a 40-day treatment plan designed to strengthen skin with an impressive A-list of ingredients, including:

The capsules also contain a light, odorless oil that leaves your skin looking and feeling wonderful.

Make me up beautiful

The buzz today is all about mineral make-up, which is fine if you like it. As a long time beauty editor who has seen it all - I see no reason mineral make-up is any healthier for your skin than any other top quality make-up. Nor do I think it looks any more natural - or that it is the preferred choice of Hollywood as advertising claims. Professional make-up artists use a variety of products on celebrities as do stars themselves. But, if you like it, go for it.

Jane Iredale has made a line of high quality mineral make-up for years, and I love it. Dermatologists recommend that women who are allergic to regular make-up try mineral make-up as it has fewer additives that may cause a reaction. Many women report great results.

www.redpointbeauty.com

If you are looking for a make-up that is also an actual anti-aging treatment for your skin you may want to try Redpoint. This line is packed with things like peptides, derma fiber, and super-hydrating hydrolonic acid. Their Age Minimizer Line Filler is a non-silicone primer. Redpoint’s Transformative Dual Foundation has two shades so you can create the perfect finish. It’s sheer, but still covers perfectly and feels lovely on your face. The Smooth & Remove Airbrush Pencil is a unique and easy-to-use super illuminating concealer that easily banishes flaws and dark circles with a boost of Vitamin C and peptides.

Another fabulous Dolce Dolce

give-away contest!

Do you hate needles? Are you afraid of doctors? Allergic to medical offices? But you still want to ramp up your fight against lines, wrinkles and sags? Well, have you heard of Frownies? A favourite of celebrities since they were created, Frownies have been around almost as long as Hollywood.

Frownies are a system of little patches designed to smooth out lines and lift sags. Women who use them swear by them. If you’d like to try this tried-and-true favourite, email the word Frownies to domore@dolcedolce.com. I have one kit for each of the first entrants from the U.S. and Canada.

The kits are in a gorgeous gold bag and worth more than $100. Don’t be shy and don’t be late. Take a chance and email us. You never know who will win. We have had happy winners to all our great contests.

Spaghetti in vodka rose sauce

with smoked salmon

This is one of my favourite recipes for spontaneous entertaining. It takes just minutes to make, and if you like smoked salmon as much as I do, you’ll always have the ingredients on hand. When we lived in Moscow I made this often when a gang would end up at our apartment in the wee small hours of the morning. In those early post-Soviet days, fresh vegetables cost the earth, but gorgeous smoked salmon from Iceland and fresh cream from France were easy-to-come-by staples.

Ironically, I learned this recipe not in some exotic locale, but as a young teen watching The Merv Griffin Show after school one day. I have modified it over the years, but the basic concept, from a swanky New York restaurant - I can’t recall which - has stood the test of time. Try it the next time you want to make something as chic as it is simple.

Put water on to cook the spaghetti This works well with spaghetti, spagettini, linguini, or tagatelli.

Dice one small or half of a medium onion.

Sauté slowly with 1 tbsp. butter and 1tbsp. olive oil and 1 tsp. dry chilies. Do not brown.

Raise the heat as high as you can without browning and add to the pan ¼ cup of vodka. Let the alcohol burn off as you stir in 2-3 tbsp. tomato paste or sauce. Add ½ cup of medium or heavy cream and heat your sauce gently till it thickens. Add salt and pepper, but under salt slightly.

Shred several ounces of smoked salmon per person. Chop in fresh parsley if you have it. Add your well-drained cooked pasta to the warm sauce and remove to a serving bowl. Stir in the smoked salmon and parsley. Adding the fish off the heat prevents the salmon from cooking unattractively – it should just be heated thru. Serve in little nests on each plate and garnish with a “rosette” of salmon or fresh salmon caviar.

I hope you like the pasta recipe. It’s one of my favorites and proves that watching TV can be educational - at least some of the time. I really do miss those great daytime gab fests like Merv’s. They just don’t make guest stars like Zsa Zsa Gabor, Phyllis Diller, Gloria Swanson. I swear it’s how I learned the facts of life and a whole lot more.

The next time you want to lose your temper, darlings, try charm instead. Even if it doesn’t work, you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing it drives the truly rotten absolutely crazy.

Until next week, please sign-up if you haven’t already - DolceDolce is free. And forward us to all your friends. Because life should be sweet.