Ageism hurts women of all ages

One again reasonably intelligent woman are lining up and forming the great divide on how they feel about Botox and all the other anti-aging strategies. There are countless articles about how women deal with aging and menopause. I have recently read several issues of magazines dedicated to the subject. This debate is not restricted to older women either. One of my favourite articles was written by a 30-year-old who has already started to hide her age. It’s not uncommon I assure you. She was also a bit judgmental about other women’s anti-aging strategies. The poor thing was just a mass of conflicts. 

I have never lied about my age; I prefer my face and body to mock it for me. Besides what good does it do to lie about your age especially in the age of Internet? Anyone who knows how to Google can find out your age in 10 seconds flat.

The question of how one chooses to age has gone from the private little affair it should be to a community question. Bossy, brassy women columnists of a certain age have no end of nasty things to say about those of us who choose to preserve our "ageless appearance."  The goal is to look fresh and fabulous. And, you can never start too young to take care of your wonderful body human.

Women who have been described as having an “ageless appearance” range from 40 to well over 70. Some of these ageless beauties include: Sophia Loren who is 70, Catherine Deneuve who is over 60, Christie Brinkley at 59, and Demi Moore now well over 40. When I look at any of these women, I am shocked that people can find fault with anyone who emulates them.

They all glow with good health. As far as I know, they preserve their lovely looks with equal measures of healthful eating, exercise, beauty regimes, and happy well-balanced lives.

I recently read a columnist who said that her friends are disheartened because they don’t have the money for a surgical overhaul like Demi Moore. I think she sounds bitter as well as misinformed. I remember the demanding training Demi Moore underwent for her movies Striptease and GI Jane. I have written extensively about plastic surgery and I assure you there is no doctor in the world who can give you those results. If there was I would have his name and number.

Demi Moore’s demanding physical routine for her role in Charlie’s Angels was well-documented. Some women writers criticized her for spending too much time and money on her body, even though she sweat it out in gym. It just shows that when it comes to beauty, you can’t win with some factions. I wrote a column at the time pointing out that no one derided Venus Williams or Martina Navratilova for spending too much time or money on training, and that Demi’s body was a valuable career asset, as she is a successful business woman.

It’s the choosing-up sides and judging that maddens me. I find it disingenuous and dangerous. One national newspaper beauty columnist, who positions herself as a reporter, has taken up the battle against ageism with passion - or so she claims. She comes out strongly against the pressure on women to maintain "an artificially youthful appearance”, and derides doctors who push cosmetic procedures.

I find it interesting that this most virulent critic of the anti-aging movement would not tell her age when I first knew her in her early 30s. She desperately wanted to be taken for a youthful wunderkind. Now in her 40s, she is indignant about how aging women are treated. I find it sad and ironic. She is still as mixed up and conflicted about beauty and accomplishment as she was in her 30s.

That’s the problem with all the ranters and haters. Recently, writers who have an issue with how other women handle aging are tossing around a quote by Phyllis Koch-Sheras, a Virginia-based clinical psychologist. She said in April’s Allure magazine, "we tend to have much more help denying aging than we have coping with it.” Well darlings that may be true for the women who are constantly upset about what others are doing than for women who are secure in their own beauty.

Secure women who are living well at any age aren’t worried about aging or other women’s choices. I know I’m not. I have a plan and I have had one since my 20s.  I have friends who like myself are into preservation. We all go about it a little differently. Some of us use a little Botox with our lotions and potions. Others would rather not. So far it’s not an issue and why would it be? We are all into diet, exercise, and a healthful lifestyle.

I talk about beauty with friends from 20- to 80-something. They all look fabulous.  And just for the record, we also discuss politics, art, family, friends, and a bounty of other topics. These women are vital, attractive, and loving; how they look is only part of their incredible package.

What is interesting is that many of my friends have had people try to make them feel vain for their obvious interest in beauty and their good looks. One friend recently recounted that an acquaintance with whom she had been exchanging some beauty tips called her out for using Botox in front of a third person. My friend was shocked. As it happens this person colours her hair. My friend who has glorious, natural red hair doesn’t colour, but would never think to call anyone on their choice of beauty ritual. She was shocked and hurt by the hostility.

Unfortunately people seem to think this behavior is fair game. Just view any website and read the nasty remarks about Botox, plastic surgery, and age. If anyone made remarks like these about race or religion, they would not be tolerated.

Ageism is particularly nasty and insidious. I think we have all heard the “cougar remarks” made about attractive older women. But how about remarks made to infantilize younger women. I have heard pretty, younger women dismissed and dissed as “Barbie” and “baby doll”. It’s nasty and it’s ageist - and for some reason it is acceptable. This recently happened to a bright young friend and colleague of mine.  It is just another way to keep women down.

Men are not immune from these slurs. Recently I heard more about presidential hopeful Senator John McCain’s age than any other aspect of his campaign. At the other end of the spectrum, Senator Barrack Obama’s age is also frequently mentioned. Those who support Obama say he appeals to young people by virtue of his youth; those who dismiss him, paint him as young and inexperienced.

As smart women, we need to support each other’s right to choose. It’s sad, but there are lots of angry, scared, and disappointed women out there who want and need company. It seems they have been operating on the premise that women who look too good or too young make others look and feel less good by comparison. How silly and negative. Some also perpetuate the idea that wanting to be young and vital all of your life is a new and dangerous idea. I don’t think so. The ancient Greeks believed in staying young and vital. Elinor Glyn the famous writer of the roaring 20’s who coined the term “it”, was equally famous for her beauty rituals and ageless appearance. 

Whatever your age, don’t let anyone slap a label on you or step on your dreams. We can’t stop the clock, but who would want to miss out on all life’s marvelous experiences. The good news is we can look and feel ageless at any age, as opposed to being age-restricted. Isn’t that fabulous!

The must-read interview

about marriage and relationships

Gerard and Lilo Leeds, co-authors of the book Wonderful Marriage, a Guide to Build a Relationship that Will Last a Lifetime, have been married more than 56 years and have five children.  They met at a ski resort in the Adirondacks in 1955, and have been shushing together ever since. They hold degrees in math and science respectively, as well as several honorary doctorates. These dedicated educators, successful business owners and life partners share the secrets of a good marriage in the best book I have ever read on the subject. Interviewing them was a rare delight. Don’t miss their thoroughly modern and useful advice on how to have a wonderful marriage.

DD: Why did you write this book now?

LL: We have five children. Four of them have good marriages and one has difficulties, so we wrote the book as a model. There is so little information available on this subject. We did not want to write another book about problem marriages.

DD: Why do you think so many marriages fail?

LL: Often there are two reasons: they didn’t pick the right partner or they didn't know how to have a good marriage. They needed a model.

GL: Also, maybe they didn’t discuss enough things well enough before they married. You need to discuss things like money. You also need to be good companions.

LL: You need to please yourself and you need to please you partner. You need a balance of both things in a good marriage and it should not be too difficult to do both.

GL: In a good marriage you need a lot in common. Take us; we had a lot in common. We met skiing. We had skiing in common. You also have to date a lot before you get married. I dated a hundred girls before I marred Lilo. You want to know a lot of people before you get married. 100 is a reasonable number.

LL: 20 is a fine number too. Especially for people who are younger when they marry.

DD: Even after living together some people have disastrous marriages. Why do you think that happens?

LL: Did they have a chance to date before they married? Living together especially for young people can be too limiting. Especially for those who do it in college. They do it because it is too scary to date. A lot of people are afraid to date. It’s daunting, even for women who are divorced.

DD: You mention not doing things that drive your partner crazy. It seems so simple. Why do you think so many people have trouble with these little issues?

LL: Often it’s caused by hostility and not having a model for marriage. People who do this need to find their focus; having a good marriage. They need someone to ask them, “Why are you doing this? How does this help you have a good marriage? What is your goal?” Somebody needs to tell them how to make marriage fun.

DD: What is harder for people to agree on money or sex?

GL: If they can’t agree on sex they shouldn’t be married.

LL: No they need to go to counseling. There are councilors for this too. You need to talk about these things. But the most important thing is that you need to keep your goal in mind -- which is to have a good marriage. You always have to keep this goal in mind. You should discuss these things before you are married but if you didn’t you have to discuss them now -- but always remembering the goal.

If there is still a problem with money; if he spends too much while she scrimps then they may have to agree to see a third person they respect and agree to the rules. Maybe that person will tell them how to compromise. But the important thing is they remember their goal is to have a good marriage.

DD: Do children make or break a marriage?

LL: I don’t think that children can make or break a marriage. They can be a bonus. One of our sons who has four children recently said that he never knew how much fun or how much work children could be. Children are 24/7. Sometimes people have children to save a marriage but I have never seen it work.

GL: Before we married, we talked about all sorts of things. We decided that if we couldn’t have children that we would adopt. Children can add a whole new wonderful dimension to a marriage.

DD: Many people are waiting so long to get married now. Is it harder to get married when you are younger or older?

LL: When you are very young it is nice to be able to develop your career before getting married. Also, when you are older, especially for women, it is easier to say what you want and that can be good.

DD: How important is romance to a marriage?

LL: Unless both aren’t romantic it adds colour to a marriage.

LG: Marriage is a permanent love affair.

DD: Are people today more selfish than they used to be - and does that make it harder to stay married?

LL: No I don’t think they are more selfish. There are so many more choices. There are so many who are divorced and many who never get married. But I think if you want a family, a good family then there is no choice.

GL: If you think this way: of all the people who play tennis, only about five to seven percent play tennis well, and of all the people who cook only about five to seven percent are really good cooks. Actually, only five to seven percent of any group are really good at anything.

LL: But a lot of people play decent tennis and I think having a decent marriage is better than being home alone all the time. We ski and when people start to ski we always suggest they take lessons. You have lessons for everything but there is no instruction for marriage. You have courses for everything but raising children and marriage.

DD: How useful is marriage counseling?

LL: It can be vey useful with the right councilor. There really should be classes in high school but it is very hard to do. Parents object to others teaching their children.

GL: One of the goals of becoming a husband or wife should be to make life nice for your partner. If that requires a terrible sacrifice then don’t get married. Marriage does require a certain amount of selflessness. Character is terribly important. You don’t read enough about this in books about marriage. It is important not just to marry a nice person, but to be a nice person yourself.

LL:   You have to think about what you are doing in your marriage. Even if you are  fighting you have to ask yourself: am I still being a nice person? Reading our book helped smooth out some existing marriages. One husband said he started to take out the garbage after reading it.

GL: Another man, a college president, started to stroke his wife more after reading the book. They touched more and became closer.

LL: If you want to improve you marriage don’t try for a big revolution. Start with small things. I always say that the small things add up to a lot in marriage.

To find more about this interesting couple or their book, go to www.wonderfulmarrage.com

What French women know?

On my first trip to Paris as a teenage beauty junkie I spent much of my teen-travel budget on a much-anticipated visit to the great beauty institutes of France. I could only afford to go to two. At the top of my list was Clarins. This was back when you could only do this in Paris and it was considered chic and exclusive. North America had the Red Door and Georgette Klinger. France had its “instituts” written about in Vogue.

French women still have their own unique approach to beauty that relies on natural ingredients, regular visits to an esthetician, controlled diet, and gentle but regular exercise. If you’d like to find out for yourself what French women know about beauty”, you can’t do better than Clarins.

DolceDolce beauty tip

What is the best eye cream if you often go without make-up and concealer? One that helps you look rested and glowy? Many eye creams now have light reflective particles to help diminish dark circles and give eyes a rested appearance. It’s a wonderful idea, except that too many of these creams are drying and strange looking. Olay Total Effects Eye Transforming Cream has a soft peachy sheen and looks natural. It also has a complex of seven vitamins and minerals, including VitaNiacin, plus cucumber extract and aloe vera. It’s also a good value. How fabulous is that?

A quick pick-me-up

I love masques. They are luxe, relaxing and can quickly rehydrate, tone, and refresh your skin. Best of all, you can do it yourself at home and for a reasonable price. I find relaxing in a tub with a lovely masque does more good than a frantic rush to and from salons. I like to schedule my visits to my trusted beauty professionals several days before a big event. Masques are also economic, if budgets need crunching. Elizabeth Grant’s Torricelum Intensive Collagen Collagen Face Pad and Caviar Rejuvenating Eye Pads are a snap to use. Just open the packages and drape the cool moisture-filled, collagen-boosting masques over your face or under your eyes for 10 to 20 minutes. According to Elizabeth Grant, Torricelum is a patented marine ingredient that helps boost collagen. Whatever it is, it leaves skin very moist. Both are available from various shopping networks as well as at www.elizabethgrant.com

Inspired to a more healthful life

I just returned from a wonderfully inspirational visit to San Francisco. The trip was the California Walnut Board’s Spring Salad event. The day we spent in San Francisco and Sonoma was breathtaking and information-packed. I came back more committed than ever to sharing my enthusiasm for the importance of cooking and eating well. 

It was great to meet with Dr. Michael Roizen, the co-author of the best-selling YOU: Staying Younger, coauthored with Dr. Mehmet Oz, as well as all the other best-selling YOU: books. He is the co-founder of RealAge, and author and co-author of the best-selling Real-Age books.

Dr. Roizen emphasizes that we can reset the clock by choosing to eat well and exercise. If you have ever felt depressed or overwhelmed by listening to the doom and gloom broadcast by some health reporters, Dr. Roizen’s simple upbeat approach is a relief . According to this well-qualified expert, simple change can help all of us undo past damage and feel better, live longer, and be healthier.

There were two interesting pieces of information that he shared with us that I’d like to share with all of you. According to Dr. Roizen, eating a small snack of six walnuts before a meal with a drink of some kind - perhaps a glass of wine or some mineral water, he didn't specify - can actually make you less hungry for dinner. The fats in the nuts are healthful but they also have the effect of blocking your hunger. The good fat in nuts signals your body to release the chemicals that tell it that it’s full. Now that is my definition of a happy hour. 

Dr. Roizen also explained that nuts are not dangerous to people with diverticulitis.  The idea that nuts will bother or be dangerous to individuals with this very common condition of small pockets in the intestinal wall is  simply a medical myth.  This is great news for anyone who has been passing up tasty and nutritious nuts.

Being nuts about nuts, I am thrilled to have even more reasons to serve them. Below is one of my favourite walnut recipes. Simple and elegant, it’s perfect if you are looking for something a bit different. Now you can also have the satisfaction of knowing you are not just serving dinner but a banquet of antioxidants and ALA  a plant-based Omega-3 fatty acid. How is that for feeling elegant and virtuous, at once? 

“Agliata” walnut sauce

on brilliant green fettuccini

Agliata is a garlic walnut sauce that dates from medieval times. This is my own recipe - creamy but not too rich. If you don't like strong garlic, leave it out or just rub the casserole with the clove. I like a lot of garlic, which is also a super food. I serve this dish with salmon or sautéed shrimp. It is perfect with just a salad, too.

2 pieces of bread with the crusts removed, cut/torn in small pieces and placed in a food processor or blender.

Pour 1 cup of milk over the bread.

Toast 1cup of walnuts in a dry pan for 3-5 minutes at med-high heat.

Add the toasted walnuts and 1 clove of crushed garlic.

Add 4 tbsp. of good quality olive oil

Pulse.

Add ¾ cup of freshly grated Reggianno parmesan cheese.

Pulse.

Transfer the sauce to a casserole that can hold the pasta.

Toast ¼ cup bread crumbs with 1 tbsp. of slightly crushed walnuts and set aside. Be careful not to burn them.

Cook the pasta al dente. Do not overcook. Look for a good brand of spinach pasta, with natural ingredients, and slightly undercook it. The pasta will continue to cook in the casserole. Reserve ¼ cup of the pasta water to thin your sauce. Add the drained pasta to the sauce and mix. Add the pasta water to thin the sauce slightly. Toss with the toasted crumb-nut mixture. Add black pepper to taste. Serve immediately when it’s very hot. This dish looks very beautiful and fresh.

If you are excited about cooking with walnuts as I am check out:  The Smart Salad Contest at www.walnuts.org  It looks like fun. It will be judged by former Google chef Charlie Ayres. The contest ends June 30.   

I hope you will be inspired to reach higher, live more healthfully, and make your life sweeter, because you deserve it. I am constantly amazed at what a difference a small changes can make in our lives. I feel blessed that I have been surrounded by fabulous women who have been generous enough to teach and inspire me all of my life. They have given me the strength and the wonder to go my own way; to dream my dreams and not be tripped- up or tied-down by other’s prejudices.

And darlings, that is what I want for you. Don’t let anyone tell you how to dream or live. Don’t let them tie you down with labels or dim the light of your brilliance - not for a single minute.  Remember, you are as smart as the choices you make and who you choose as close friends and associates.

Thank you for spending this sweet time with me. I wish you all a sweet week. Until next time, please sign-up if you haven’t already - DolceDolceis free. And please forward us to all your friends.