Life

Green tea --the beauty brew --that can help to keep you young Do you look and feel fabulous? Well darlings, you should. Life is too short to go around feeling less than your best, less than other women, less than fabulous. And it isn’t necessary.

Even a gorgeous diamond ring starts to look tacky and dull if no one cleans it. And we all know what happens to a fine antique left uncared for – cracks develop. But, if you clean the ring and buff up the antique, voila - magic happens! Well darlings, we are much the same as those precious objects.

Looking and feeling fabulous begins with the right attitude, a good diet, and sound sleep. Exercise is vital too. Research has shown we can change our DNA and extend our lives with exercise. If, like me, you are not a jock or do not have hours to work out, do not despair. You can break up exercise into manageable blocks of 10 and 20 minutes, and it still counts. You can slip in a 10-minute DVD workout in the morning, a 20-minute walk at lunch, and another 10 to 15 minutes of yoga before bed. Before you know it, you’ll have 40 minutes of beauty-making exercise. Get to a class or two a week, and you will soon have a new body.

Here are a few of the latest scientifically-proven ways to look fabulous fast and forever. Try one or two of them - or try them all.

Try Pilates to trim

Pilates has long been a favourite of dancers, models, and actresses because it can reshape and trim bodies without developing bulging muscles. Pilates devotees have strong and shapely bodies.

Now, June Kloubec, a professor at BastyrUniversity in the state of Washington, has published a study showing the clear benefits of Pilates. Kloubec is a core faculty member in the Department of Nutrition and Exercise Science, and her work appeared in The Journal of Strength and Conditioning Research.

25 subjects participated in the study, in a one-hour Pilates class twice a week for 12 weeks. When they began, the active middle-aged participants were able to do an average of 24 push-ups on their knees. By the end of the 12 weeks of Pilates, they were able to do an average of 35 push-ups. A similar 25-person control group in the study could do only an average of 20.5 push-ups at the start of the study. At the end of the study they were able to average only 21 push-ups each. The study also showed that the Pilates group had a significant improvement abdominal strength and lower-body flexibility.

Pilates was once almost prohibitively-expensive. Now, many studios in most major cities offer classes in mat and small-group instruction on equipment at more affordable prices of about $25 per class. In addition, there are scores of good DVDs. I recently began Pilates classes. I noticed a difference in both my strength and silhouette after only a few weeks. Proper form is vital to Pilates, so try to take least a few classes.

Don’t underestimate any effort you make as long as you are committed. DVDs work, if you find the right “virtual teacher”. A friend of mine just clicked with a trainer on fit TV. She told me Gilad, the tough Israeli trainer, can get her to do those last few killer reps. I am currently hooked on Body by Bethenny. I’m also thinking abut a Pilates Stick by http://www.peakpilates.com/peak-pilates-shop/pilatesstick.asp.

Eat breakfast

Experts agree that breakfast is important for both weight loss and energy. Numerous studies show that women who eat breakfast are thinner and have less trouble losing weight. Hate breakfast food? So do I, but there are many other good things to eat in the morning. Eat a piece of whole wheat toast and some fresh fruit with an egg or low-fat cottage cheese.

Breakfast is the time to eat a healthy carb that is filling, such as whole grain bread or oatmeal. Top oatmeal with sweet and healthful berries. Have a low-cal smoothie made with fresh or frozen berries, no fat yogurt or skim milk, and a sweetener of your choice. Try low or no-fat cottage cheese with fresh fruit or salsa. Hard-boiled eggs or egg white omelets are fast and easy. Try them with low-calorie tomatoes. Eat breakfast. Martha Stewart sometime eats like the Japanese and has a piece of salmon. I also like this treat from time to time.

Be fabulous and exotic at breakfast, but eat and exercise to start your day.

Blueberries are beauty berries

Blue berries are full of anti-oxidants that are so good for you that some doctors call them brain-berries. I call them beauty-berries. Anti-oxidants are important for longevity and aging well. Oxidative damage to our bodies is not unlike rust on a car; it wears down our vital organs. It occurs as we use oxygen and is made worse by stress, sun exposure, smoking, and other environmental factors. Anti-oxidants help defend the body, reverse the damage, and slow the aging process.

My favourite way to eat them is frozen, alone, or in plain yogurt. I think freezing them makes them taste sorbet-like. And it is easy to take a small bowl of pre-washed frozen berries from my freezer for snacks or to flavour plain yogurt. Never buy fruit yogurt. It has too much sugar/sweeteners, and too little fruit. Buy bags of frozen berries and add to your own low or no-fat yogurt.

Get your Omega 3

Omega 3 oils help keep skin looking youthful and firm. Chances are your family doctor already told you how important Omega 3 oils are for your heart and brain. They help to keep you young and beautiful inside and out! Omega 3 oils can even help prevent serious sun damage such as precancerous skin lesions, according to a recent Australian study.

The results of that study have some doctors calling salmon a natural sunscreen because of its high Omega 3 oil content.

All types of salmon are excellent sources of Omega 3. You will want to watch the amount of tasty smoked salmon you consume because of its high salt content. Tinned salmon has undeserved bad reputation. It is very healthful and usually made from high-quality wild salmon, a good source of Omega 3 and calcium. It is delicious in salad with lemon and chopped fresh vegetables. If you like shellfish, it too is rich in the healthful Omega 3. And don’t worry if you have heard it is high in cholesterol; it is not a problem, unless your doctor has told you not to eat it. Experiment with small fish such as herring, trout, and black cod - they are good sources of Omega 3. Walnuts, almonds, and flaxseed are also excellent sources of Omega, if you dislike fish. Experts recommend at least three servings of Omega-rich foods a week. Sushi and sashimi are good, but use low-sodium soy sauce or Ponzu in small amounts. Also eating too much of certain large fish, such as tuna can pose a risk of mercury poisoning, so enjoy but limit your consumption.

Brew a beauty booster

If you would like to lose weight, have beautiful skin, and stay young and healthy, drink green tea. It has so many beauty benefits; it should be called the beauty brew.

Green tea can help to boost your metabolism and give you a little lift. So try some hot or iced tea to conquer late afternoon munchies or fatigue.

Green tea contains catechins, a compound of potent anti-oxidant. According to the latest scientific studies, green tea may even be able rejuvenate dying skin cells! It can also help protect skin against UV damage from sun exposure.

Studies in The Journal of Nutrition show that green tea, when combined with exercise and diet can help to burn belly fat.

I drink at least a liter of green tea a day. Because it benefits skin when applied topically, I take a few seconds to place cooled used tea bags on my face before I toss them out.

Suck a lemon

Collagen is what holds you face up and help your joints work smoothly. After age 35, we start to lose collagen. After age 60, collagen levels plummet. Vitamin C is essential for good healing, but it is also is necessary for the natural production of collagen. Your body can’t store Vitamin C, so it is important to replenish your supply of it daily. If you drink, smoke, are under stress, or party too much, you will need even more Vitamin C to undo damage to your cells.

To keep your face firm and your body moving smoothly, think C! You can take a supplement, but experts say natural is best. My solution is to squeeze low-cal and delicious lemon on everything.

Topical Vitamin C creams are also very effective, but lemon juice is too harsh to apply directly to your face.

Sleep

Not sleeping enough can make you fat, old, tired, careless, and crabby. Darlings, get to bed and go to sleep! Enough excuses; do it. If you can’t sleep, see a doctor; they can help with new behavior modification techniques, natural sleep medication, and a host of effective solutions.

You may have noticed that I didn’t mention a single beauty product in this list of tips. I adore fabulous lotions and potions! We review the best every week. But so much of how you look and feel comes from how you feel about you.

Stress ages you. It steals your youth. Life can be trying, but often we stress about things we can’t control and don’t really matter in the long run.

Learn to shut off the noise. Turn-off emails, texts, and facebook after an hour. Get out and see people or a movie. Or, stay home and read a book. Relax! Get rid of the toxic people in your life. My favourite diet is the one when you lose a hundred pounds or more instantly by dropping a poison person from your life. Darlings, if someone makes you tense, angry or upset, ask yourself why this person is in your life? If they’re not your boss, parent, spouse or child – get away from them. You’ll look and feel better instantly.

You deserve to look and feel fabulous, and you can! Your beauty is a precious gift –nurture it. Then my darlings, go out and enjoy it.

Dr. Jill Murray is a nationally recognized expert on domestic violence and teen dating abuse. In this exclusive commentary, she shares her thoughts about the unfolding drama involving the actor Mel Gibson and his former girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva. Dr. Murray shares important insights about women and domestic abuse that affect us all. Don’t miss a word of this important and eye-opening expert opinion:

By Dr. Jill Murray

The child custody case between Mel Gibson and his estranged girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva’s has become a circus. In the center ring we have Mel Gibson. He is ranting at his child’s mother that she deserves to be sexually assaulted. He is particularly angry with her because she dared not indulge his desire for blowjobs at all hours of the day and night. Mel also growls, pants, and spits as he makes fun of her breasts. In ring number two, there is Oksana Grigorieva, her front teeth allegedly chipped by her former beloved. She is also the one who taped their angry conversations and allegedly made them public. He sent her a text message apologizing. In the third ring is Mel’s discarded wife, Robin. She has pronounced Mel an exemplary husband and father, even though he was apparently cheating on her with Oksana.

It’s such a fantastic show, that the Ringling Bros. and Barnum and Bailey Circus pales in comparison. The Mel and Oksana drama has dominated the entertainment media. And there is no shortage of opinion as to who is to blame.

Gibson’s attorneys state that their client is a mild-mannered, good natured Aussie. They say he contributes millions to charities and that he wouldn’t hurt a flea. He certainly wouldn’t harm the mother of his young daughter. After all, he gives money to domestic violence causes and children’s hospitals; doesn’t that prove he is innocent? It is hard to believe the former “Sexiest Man Alive” would say all those vile things, isn’t it? Mel’s lawyers further hypothesize that Oksana doctored the taped conversations. They claim that she’s a complete nut-job – that she is actually the problem.

To some this may be compelling evidence of Gibson’s innocence. I find it merely more fodder for yet another sideshow. Personally, I don’t care if she altered 90 percent of the tapes. Is there anything of merit in the other 10 percent? What about the section in which he yells, “I own you. You’re nothing. You have to listen to me; I’m Mel.”

Even if we disregard the many racial slurs, demeaning comments about her body, and misogynistic statements, why are so many turning against the victim, Oksana?

The idea that Gibson is now being portrayed as the victim and Oksana as troublemaker is not new. We’ve seen it before, most recently in the Chris Brown and Rihanna case. Remember when she was pitied, as photos of her battered and bruised face became public? We heard about his biting her, threatening to throw her out of their moving car, and even making a death threat? That lasted about a week before the common refrain became, “Well, she must’ve done something to deserve it.” What in the world does a woman do to deserve being treated like that?

Well, ladies and gentlemen, here we are again. Oksana is being portrayed not as a woman done wrong, but as a woman who has done wrong. Her biggest detractors are women. But that’s always the case. I’ve heard critical comments from many of my intelligent, accomplished female pals. They say things like, “You can tell from those tapes that she’s just pushing his buttons”, or, “Listen to her voice; she sounds like a robot. She’s doing it purposely to ramp him up”, or, “She’s trying to hold him up for ransom. She had a kid with him so she can soak him for everything he’s got.”

How did this happen? As a gender, how did women decide that the man on those tapes - one who is so ridiculously out-of-control - is a saint? Why are other women so quick to condemn the woman trying to calm him down and speak logically to him as the sinner? Perhaps, most folks listening to those tapes don’t understand that the way in which Oksana was talking to Gibson is how a woman talks to a big-league abuser. She gets very soft, she tries to reason with him, she attempts to make him understand that she’s not the horrible person he accuses her of being, and that what he’s telling her is demeaning and hurtful.

Those who condemn her say, “She can just hang up, you know. She must like the way he talks to her. She probably gets off on it; otherwise she could have left whenever she wanted to.” The last comment came from a female, a high-level lawyer and friend of mine. Unless you understand the dynamics of abusive relationships, it’s very difficult to understand that what we’re hearing on those phone tapes. The conversations are typical of an abuser and his victim. Sure, women can certainly be abusive to men. But, as an expert, that is not what I ‘m hearing when I listen to these tapes.

The Mel and Oksana drama has become entertainment fodder – The Greatest Show on Earth. I think it is pathetic. You decide, but just remember: when women choose to kick each other when we’re down, when we don’t watch each other’s backs, and when we choose to victimize the victim, we all lose.

Dr. Jill Murray is a practicing psychotherapist and bestselling author. She has appeared on 20/20, The Today Show, Oprah, Dr, Phil, and other forums to help women understand the danger of domestic and teen dating abuse.

http://www.drjillmurray.com/

Catch Jill’s show for teens. She is the leading authority on teen dating abuse.

http://www.drjillandjudgepamshow.com/

Chelsea Clinton was a gracious hostess to all her guests! Chelsea Clinton’s recent wedding was beautiful and tasteful, but that didn’t stop a horde of naysayers from criticizing it. I have had it with them.

I take issue with vegetarians and vegans who are disappointed that the bride (Chelsea reportedly shuns meat) did not use her wedding as an opportunity to promote their lifestyle. If she had, I believe she might have turned a happy occasion into an awkward – and possibly abusive — one for her guests. So Brava Chelsea! for not being a hostile hostess!

I respect vegetarians, but I recommend having food and beverage options at any function. I have always done so. I also respect religious and dietary requests. I have cheerfully prepared and discreetly substituted fish or veggie plates even at my small dinner parties for years. No one should use social celebrations to chastise or abuse guests for their personal lifestyle choices. It’s rude, inappropriate, and unwelcoming.

My husband and I make a habit of asking first time guests about their food and drink preferences and allergies. After all, we don’t invite guest to torture them or make converts. It’s a party not a punishment!

Years ago we attended the wedding of a friend’s vegetarian daughter. My friend, against her older European-born husband’s wishes, decided to serve vegetarian food. It didn’t go over very well with many guests. I think it was a mistake. My friend and the bride knew that many of the guests were older Europeans. They looked forward to weddings as a time of celebration. They had never eaten the type of food served, and they did not like it. Hospitality would have been better served by having a choice of vegetarian and more traditional dishes.

Recently, I have heard of conflicts when one side of the family drinks and the other doesn’t. What to do at the wedding? It’s tricky. I would offer choices, as I see it as the easiest way to respect everyone’s lifestyle.

I am not even going to address the ‘Bridezilla’ phenomena. It did not exist, at least not openly, when I married; it would not have been tolerated. I cringe at the expression, “It’s my day”. When I married, my goal and that of my friends was to have a lovely wedding. I hoped everyone would have a good time. I can’t conceive of decreeing that "people look at me” or that I wanted to be a "queen for a day”. It’s outlandish, yet many people today seem to want an audience more than they want guests.

I also could not believe Joy Behar’s bad manners and questionable taste. The talk show host went on for weeks about how President Obama was not invited to the Clinton wedding. When The View was lucky enough to have the president as a guest, she actually asked him if the Clintons had invited him. He said no, and that he understood why. He added he did not think it would have been a good idea to have two presidents at a wedding. Behar persisted, saying he should have been invited so that he could have declined. Where did this woman learn her manners?

Behar is not alone. I am constantly shocked when people talk about who was invited to a function and who was not. The golden rule is you don’t talk about a party with anyone who was not there, unless it was long ago or far away. Otherwise, it’s awkward, rude, and insensitive. President Obama should not have to defend the Clinton’s guest list. Shame on you Joy Behar.

I am not advocating nitpicking hospitality. A good guest approaches an evening with enthusiasm and good will. They RSVP and show up on time. Heavens, save me from those who don’t know that being "fashionably late” to a private home is a big no-no! And an evening out is never an invitation to be a food critic. Compliments are fine, but keep your critiques to yourself. Good guests bring their ‘A’ game of pleasant and amusing conversation.

A young friend recently shared with me that her boyfriend is surprised she and her friends serve food at their parties. His gang, like many others, just opens a house and calls that party – quelle horreur! Too many young single women have told me how broke they are, paying restaurant bills for all the parties to which they are “invited”. They have a salad and two drinks ,and then get hit for more than their share of the bill, which can be hefty when the tab is unfairly split.

Some single friends prefer to entertain in restaurants and pick up the bill. There is nothing wrong with that, if they can afford it. But it is amazing how often their hospitality is not reciprocated. I happily entertain my single friends. I find they pay back my hospitality in many delightful ways.

It is fun to see to see my younger friends emerge as hostesses. They are learning the pleasure of watching guests enjoy a meal at a beautifully-set table. I’m proud of them.

Great hosting can have many styles. Over the years we have had the pleasure of having many dear friends who are fabulous hosts. We all have our style of entertaining. But I think we all agree, every party and evening is about making memories.

Often whenever we travel, we are met by hospitality that simply blows me away. I will never forget one dinner in Odessa on the Black Sea in Ukraine. Many people who lived there at the time had electricity only for part of the day. We stayed on a cruise ship hotel, just to have reliable power and hot water. But Odessa is famous for its savory cuisine and warm hospitality.

Friends of my husband’s translator invited us for dinner. When we arrived, the elevator was out, so we walked up flights of stairs. As a cook I could only imagine what else the hostess had had to cope with during the day. That evening we were treated to a spectacular multi-course meal. It was finer than anything then available in any Odessa hotel or restaurant. Knowing the dodgy state of markets in the area I could only try to imagine the expense and trouble our hostess had gone to find the wonderful food she served. The care with which she prepared the many tasty appetizers called zakuski was mind boggling. The evening was magical. The hospitality was sincere, gracious, and memorable.

Darlings, I don’t know how we have come to this sorry state, when too many seem to have become hostile hostesses and far too many guests are boorish louts. If entertaining is a bore and chore, don’t bother! If a party is just a chance to lecture, convert, or otherwise abuse your guests – leave me off your list. Having a party should be a ball; going to one should be a treat!

One of my favourite quotes is from the fictional detective Nero Wolfe: “To me the relationship between the host and guest is sacred. The guest is a jewel resting on a cushion of hospitality”. I think that’s the golden rule of entertaining. Whether you style is barbecue or dinner at eight, you’ll never go wrong if you keep it in mind.

Is everyone mad as hell like Howard Beale in Network? Many people have weighed in on Steven Slater, the veteran flight attendant on JetBlue who allegedly argued with a passenger, cursed out fellow travellers on the plane’s intercom, grabbed his luggage and some beer, and exited the plane via the emergency slide in a blaze of headlines. It was an updated version of the "I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore” speech from the prescient satire Network.

According to news reports, the woman who first traded words with Slater had stood up before the plane stopped, and refused his request to sit down. She apparently bopped Slater’s head causing a visible wound, as she pulled her bag from the overhead bin.

She refused to apologize and it seems Slater just lost it. Now, many people are hailing him as a hero. But it is not that simple. I think everyone missed the point. I think the woman was wrong. But I am terrified that a man in charge of air safety was so close to snapping. He was a “veteran” flight attendant and should have had experience to handle any situation as a “professional”.

Kate Hanni adovcates for passengers' rights and civlized air travel

According to Kate Hanni of the advocacy group www.flyersrights.org, “passengers trapped on hot, smelly aircraft with overflowing toilets ask us all time if they can pop the emergency exits to get out. We tell them no. What (Slater) did is not acceptable under any circumstance. And now he wants his job back”.

Kate went on to say that airlines need to help crews deal with stress and give them better training to deal with confrontational passengers”. Kate and her volunteer group are trying to make both passengers and airlines behave more responsibly so we can all travel more safety and pleasantly.

I am tired of airlines nickel-and-diming passengers for blankets, seating preferences, and food, while also mistreating crewmembers. Some airlines are out of control when it comes to general passenger abuse. Recently, it was reported that the airlines - who are always crying poor - have netted a fortune on baggage and other surcharges.

Since 9/11, most sane people are afraid to talk back to even the rudest airline crewmember for fear of being accused of causing an incident that will land them in front a judge. Kate Hanni told me that crews have tried to make passengers who have taped on-board incidents delete their video.

Passengers and crews have been abused by greedy airlines that don’t know when to stop squeezing. Nor are passengers blameless. We have become a society of cheap slobs.

Many people board airplanes looking as if they’re ready for bed, or worse. Hordes of modern parents no longer feel their children need to control their behaviour in public. If kicking, whining, or yelling bother you - too bad. Their attitude is, that’s just how kids are. Most of my friends would disagree. They disciplined their polite, well-behaved offspring.

Bad behavior goes way beyond manners. There is surliness in the air that makes being confined in small spaces such as planes downright nasty. Too many people today have no basic social skills. When you combine these delightful charmers with over-worked, stressed-out employees, the mix is volatile.

After the other JetBlue fiasco – the one that left passengers stranded on a runway for hours without food, water or a bathroom — a regulation was adopted requiring that passengers must be taken off a grounded aircraft after three hours. But recently, passengers were kept on a plane in super-hot weather, with no air conditioning or water for almost three hours. Finally, a flight attendant went against policy and handed out water to the dehydrated “prisoners”.

The airline may have observed the letter of the law by waiting three hours to deplane the passengers, but they knew darned well it was dangerous and unacceptably hot on that plane. A passenger’s YouTube video showed the sorry state of heat-exhausted children and babies. But anything more than a tepid verbal complaint may have landed a passenger in jail, and everyone knew it. Also, according to Kate Hanni of Flyersrights.org, the rule has a loophole: tarmac time does count until the plane pushes back from the gate. According to Kate Hanni, airlines don’t pay crew until they push away from the gate.

Rotten customer service is now the norm. To be fair, it is often the result of badly-trained and poorly-treated employees. When I can, I vote with my feet. I hope you do too.

I am polite and nice, and I won’t tolerate less from others, especially if I’m paying them. I think we all need to become tougher consumers. This type of attitude rewards companies that do a good job. I remember, recommend, and patronize my favourite airlines and hotels.

Darlings, I know it’s stressful and time-consuming to complain, but give it a shot. Move on if it doesn’t work. If you hate confrontation, the good news is a letter by post is the most effective way to complain. It is not that much trouble. Just think of it as email that you print and put a stamp on! Failing that, send email. Go to the corporate site and get the president’s email too, and copy him! Post a copy of your letter on www.Yelp.com and Yahoo! And don’t forget to leave a copy on their Facebook page. It takes less than minute. I like to warn others of bad business experiences on www.Yelp.com. My fellow Yelpers have saved me from many bad choices in a new city. I am quick to post my favourite finds too. Now that so many are held hostage by the fear of unemployment, it has never been more important to complain when you have a valid issue.

Refuse to be intimidated. Stand up in a polite but firm way for your rights. Tell the parent of a misbehaving child ‘I know it can be hard for small children to sit still’, but please ask your child to stop kicking, yelling, or whatever. Never correct a stranger’s child directly. If the parent snaps at you, call an attendant or manager. Do it promptly and help stop the madness.

Be your best self all the time, or go home and lie down until you can be. I know it can be tiring to travel, but you will feel better and act better if you dress up a bit and smile. A pair of well-fitting jeans, a nice top, a jacket and a cozy scarf should not torture a grown-up woman. As for smiling, numerous studies prove that if you smile, it elevates your mood, really! And darlings, I don’t mean you should sport a constant grin, just refrain from the habitual surliness that is so common today. It is so unpleasant. The same goes for doing errands around town; help elevate local standards.

Thoreau wrote: “Most men live lives of quiet desperation.” Arthur Miller wrote the Tony-Award winning play Death of a Salesman in 1949. The idea that life is frustrating is not new.

A society that constantly lowers the bar on civility, manners, and corporate reasonability creates an environment that will make some people crack. Get ready to see more people “lose it” if things don’t change.

Flyers rights is an organization for consumers. They advocating for better regulation. They will also try to help you if you are stuck on plane or otherwise mistreated http://www.flyersrights.org/contact.php

Helen Gurley Brown her brand was the sexy single girl Few young women get through school without reading at least a little of Cosmopolitan. I know I didn’t. And even though I had outgrown Cosmo by the end of university, I never outgrew the woman who created the magazine as we know it. I still find Helen Gurley Brown inspirational. Besides Cosmo, she also wrote the best-selling book Sex and the Single Girl. What is most astounding is that she did both these things after the age of 40!

Helen Gurley Brown is the ultimate babe with a brand - the perpetual single girl fighting her way to the top.

Some have criticized her and Cosmopolitan for being frivolous and encouraging women to be promiscuous, overly sexy, man-crazy, and host of other things. Nothing could be further from the truth. HGB has always been a feminist, albeit of a different stamp than others of the same era such as Germaine Greer and Gloria Steinem.

A must read bio of one of the most successful lipstick feminists

As Jennifer Scanlon points out in her new book, Bad Girls Go Everywhere: The Life of Helen Gurley Brown, HGB’s undeviating message has always been that work is greatest source of fulfillment for women. Brown tells her readers to go for money and power. She advocates that women control their own sexual satisfaction and happiness. She described Cosmopolitan as a magazine for “women who loved men and children, but who wanted to do something on their own”. If that isn’t feminist, what is?

Scanlon’s book is nowhere near as racy as the title suggests. Critics who complain that it reads like a women’s studies thesis are not completely wrong. Scanlon is, and writes like, an academic - not a Kitty Kelly. But if you are a trying to build a brand or make a name for yourself in business or the arts, you should read this book.

Gurley Brown’s opinions and advice as to how to go about attaining her goals things are, and always have been, controversial. She has no problem advocating extramarital affairs, dating for fun and profit, and other questionable behaviour. Her approach to getting ahead is equal parts puritan work ethic and ruthlessness. She is an extreme pragmatist and self-proclaimed materialist.

Darlings, while I admire her accomplishments, I vehemently disagree with much of what she advocates. But so does Gurley Brown herself. HGB may advocate extramarital dalliances, but friends report her marriage was strictly monogamous. According to Scanlon, friends say her husband, David Brown, believes she would actually kill him if he cheated. Having read all her books, I think she might. And that brings me to another conflict. She declared that women should never actively look for husband, but she pursued her own like a big game hunter on a safari. She did not give up until she had him legally wed.

None her conflicting advice takes away from her from her brilliance and what we can learn from her. She not only created one of the most successful women’s magazines ever, but she became her own brand, with bestselling books, a magazine, record albums, TV appearances, and scores of revenue-generating projects. HGB became the voice of the modern single, working woman, and remained so for almost 40 years. And darlings, she did it as a married woman. The image she created eclipsed her reality.

Author Scanlon may be too concerned with HGB’s contributions to the second wave of feminism for most readers’ tastes, but she also does is an excellent job of explaining how HGB rose so quickly to the top of publishing game. HGB herself has credited her movie-producer husband, David Brown, with her success in publishing. But like all good myth-makers she has left out useful details. In the HGB version, Brown tells her to write Sex and the Single Girl. It’s a bestseller — and she takes over Cosmo. She panics as a new editor. David comes to the rescue with husbandly reassurance. HGB learns how to edit and manage, and Cosmo is a success. The rest is history. In Scanlon’s version there are many more steps. HGB goes from bestselling writer to newspaper columnist to Cosmo.

Scanlon includes fascinating details about how hard HGB worked to rise to the top of advertising in her thirties. Scanlon also shares that David Brown had previously worked in publishing and had even briefly edited the old Cosmopolitan magazine. Helen Gurley Brown had excellent advice and connections to achieve her many successes.

These details are important. They provide a road map to success. At the start of the biography, Scanlon makes the point that HGB was a popular achiever in high school, even though she always refers to herself as poor and a misfit. There is no doubt Helen Gurley Brown was poor. Her mother was a widow and her sister was handicapped by polio. Those things were harder on families during the depression than they are now. There was no social safety net then. After reading all of HGB’s books, I have no doubt that beauty or her perceived lack of it had profound effect on HGB, as did her troubled relationship with her depressed mother.

HGB edited sexy Cosmo International into her 80's!

She channeled her deep longings for success and acceptance into work and her sexuality. She found the people she needed to help her accomplish her goals. And she attained the security she craved in marriage with a powerful brainy man and a high-powered career. HGB turned her own dreams, needs, wants, frustrations and ambitions as a single working woman into a blockbuster brand. She instinctively knew what women wanted and needed. She understood that single girls never have enough money or love. From Cosmo quizzes, to articles on how to get ahead, to how to get a man, she tapped into her market.

Helen Gurley Brown wasn’t a bad girl; she was just a girl ahead of her time, with a big brain and a hungry heart. In the end she was a babe with brand that netted her all the wealth, power and glamour she ever dreamed of.

When I first interviewed Princess Anne Banton-Lofters I felt her life read like a modern fairy tale. She had been a young single mother from Toronto who worked in a bank. Then, she met a handsome man, fell in love, got married and moved to Atlanta. Shortly afterwards, she created and produced one of the hottest shows on Bravo TV, The Real Housewives of Atlanta. You can read all about it my original interview. http://www.dolcedolce.com/?tag=princess-anne-banton-lofters

A year later, I met with Princess as she launched her new production company, Loft 22. A lot has changed in that time. Princess is the still the same outgoing, friendly women I first met. In case you are wondering about the lady behind The Real Housewives of Atlanta, she is attractive, well-spoken and not remotely wild or crazy acting. Princess Anne is her real name. She has a sense of humour and there is no doubt she loves her adopted southern home.

Beneath her mild-mannered exterior, this transplanted Canadian is ambitious. She is building her own film and TV empire here in the south. She has a spanking new production facility in hip midtown Atlanta. There is also an exciting new project called Boy’s ClubATL in development. It sounds like Real Housewives with a cast of high-status men.

So, Princess is also holding the first Southern Television and Film Summit (STAFS) this October in Atlanta. She is very excited about it.

Her enthusiasm for the region is hard to contain. She explained that, as we spoke, there were 265 productions shooting in Georgia. She rocked back and smiled as she delivers her coup de grace; there is a 35 percent tax break on all types of film and TV production in the state.

Princess wrangled some impressive talent for the STAFS. Her keynote speaker for the event is independent film and television producer Monty Ross. He is best known for his work with Spike Lee on films such as She’s Gotta Have It. He has 27 years of experience the industry.

Attendees will also hear from and have access to an impressive list of industry insiders. They are all listed on the website. But most important to those who aspire to write, direct, or produce, is the opportunity to pitch. For a small additional fee, participates will get to pitch their projects one-on-one to an appropriate industry insider. I asked Princess point-blank whether these would be legitimate opportunities. She answered me with an emphatic ‘yes’. She told me that one of her main motivations in starting the STAFS, “is to give someone else the opportunity I had. Not everyone gets the opportunities I have had,” she said ruefully.

Princess has very clear ideas about how her weekend of television and film mentoring will run. The summit will take place in one big room - even food and drink will be available there. “I didn’t want anyone thinking they missed anything or that they were left out of anything”, she explained. “This way, if they miss something, it is because they chose to leave and miss it.” She also accepted only experts who agreed to interact with the attendees. She told me she did not want anyone to speak who wanted to just speak and leave. She still has high hopes of getting Bravo’s Andy Cohen to participate. But because of his heavy work schedule, she won’t know until closer to the date. Andy Cohen is Vice-President of Bravo, the cutting edge realty TV network, as well as a popular on-air personality.

As she spoke, I remembered our first interview. She described her initial life-changing meeting with a television executive; it was facilitated by mutual friends. She also described her access here in Atlanta to a much flossier lifestyle than she had in Canada. The women she met at parties here became the inspiration for The Real Housewives of Atlanta. This was followed by many months of travel between Los Angeles and Atlanta.

Princess laughed when I said she had come a long way from working in a bank in Toronto. She candidly shared that she had also worked very hard as a single mother attain her position in that bank. I don’t doubt it. In of spite of her success, there is something real and refreshing about Princess in her aspirations for herself and others. It could also explain why she has kept the cost of the summit very affordable. A student pass for all three days is $150, and an advance registration pass for all three days is $249.

She also told me that her teenage son, Anthony, was working at Loft 22 for the summer. “He gets the perks, so he has to know it isn’t all for free”. She said with a laugh. The mother and son clearly adore each other. But I could tell she meant business. As we chatted, it became clear that Princess has no intention of bringing up a spoiled child.

I am interested to see how the next chapter of Princess Anne Banton-Lofter’s modern fairy tale plays out, as she transforms herself from the woman who got her fairytale dream-come-true, to a fairy godmother for television and film hopefuls.

The Southern Film and Television Summit in AtlantaOctober 15-17, 2010 information: http://www.stafsummit.com/index.html

Success, a husband, baby, and being thin too --made Bethenny Frankel a "Tall poppy" Cutting down the tall poppies” is a British expression for tearing down people who stand out because of their success. I learned it years ago from a friend who had studied in Australia. I liked the term immediately; it so aptly describes behavior I had witnessed so often. I think most of us who strive to do well have felt that scythe of resentment.

Recently, talk show host Joy Behar told Bethenny Frankel that she (Frankel) was the most hated women in America along with journalist Helen Thomas. Behar was only half joking. Thomas, the former senior White House journalist, had resigned after making some infamously anti-Semitic remarks about the Middle East situation. Bethenny - famous for her Skinnygirl books, exercise DVD, and cocktails - lost her baby weight quickly. Too quickly it seems for an envious and competitive society.

Behar seemed to relish shoveling coals onto the “hate” fires burning for Frankel. She even bet Bethenny that she did not weigh the 122 to 123 pounds that 5’4” Frankel said she weighed. Bethenny demanded a scale. She weighed 122. She credits her rapid weight loss to sensible eating during her pregnancy, exercise before and after the birth of her baby, and genetics.

I have read pure vitriol about Bethenny’s weight loss. Comments have ranged from those who say she is still fat to those who say she had aa tummy-tuck with her C-section to restore her figure. Both allegations are ludicrous.

All were to be expected. Bethenny is doing well and that is something many people just can stand. They love the underdog, but the underdog had better watch her back if and when she makes a comeback. Envy can turn that same cheering section into a nasty, critical mob. Bethenny has become a tall poppy and that’s a dangerous thing to be these days - even in America.

People loved Bethenny because she wasn’t the rich spoiled wife on The Real Housewives of New York. She had to work for her success. She didn’t have a huge New York apartment or a husband bankrolling her. She was flawed, humble, and relatable.

Now Bethenny has found her prince, moved into her Tribeca castle, and is even thin. Is “happily ever after” interesting? Is it even forgivable? Will her fans relate to her as a happily married wife and mother?

If you don’t care about reality TV, I have probably lost you. But there is a lesson here for all of us. That’s why I find these shows so interesting. Helen Gurley Brown, the creator and brilliant editor of Cosmopolitan magazine, advised her readers to “keep two sets of books”. Darlings, she wasn’t talking about accounting. She was warning her readers about envy. She has seen how success, even smaller ones you may not think about, can make enemies.

She wasn’t advising her readers to hide their light under a bustle, or not try to get ahead, but to be smart about it.

On your way up - especially in this rough economy - realize that not everyone, even friends, are going to be thrilled for your success or support your plans. Pick your advisers and confidants carefully. Even non-business successes can make friends act a little crazy.

When I quit smoking on the advice of my doctor after years of social smoking, I went cold turkey. I had a fear of gaining weight - and I already had few extra pounds I could stand to lose. So I quit smoking and went on a diet and exercise regime. I didn’t tell anyone, even my husband. It may sound crazy, but it worked for me.

After four weeks I lost about eight pounds and knew I had quit. I finally told people as they noticed. One friend was so upset by my success that she actually said “I think this has stressed you out and maybe you should smoke again.” Luckily, I was not stressed out at all. I was in such a good mood; I just let her comment go. I knew that she was not in a good place with her own career or weight. It was irrational, but my little quiet success annoyed her. Her comment was hurtful, but I chose to let it go. I could afford to be generous because I was feeling really good. And this person is really a nice person; she was just going through a really bad patch.

There have been other times when things have not been so easy or simple. I can still remember battling acne before I found my magic dermatologists. I will never understand people who make rude comments to anyone about acne, weight, or anything personal. When some fool would ask or say some thing rude, I knew I was doing everything possible to stop my skin from breaking out.

I am sure it was those early experiences that helped me cultivate what some have told me is my intimidating or confident - depending on your point of view - air. It also gave me a lifelong distaste for awkwardness and bullies. I dislike personal and awkward questions aimed at anyone. This behaviour always comes from envy and meanness.

It’s smart to grow a thicker skin - or like me the appearance of one. If you aim to be successful and stand out at something, get ready for those who want to cut you down. Learn when to blow it off and how to counter it coolly and calmly.

Work fills a lifetime. You will be in and out of fashion; it is inevitable. Enjoy the good times and be assured the bad ones will pass. If you are smart you will learn to cherish longevity. Your true friends will sustain you through the tough times. But real friends help you in the good times, too.

Recently a friend, who is a brilliant and successful women in her own field, did me wonderful turn professionally. She is generous and helpful. She says it all comes back to her. I know like myself, she enjoys life among the tall poppies. Darlings, there are always going to be those who want chop you down. Don’t waste your time on them. Just learn how to duck and then stretch to sun.

DolceDolce’s Deb Williams shares her thoughts on gardening and taking root:

Taking Root

By Deb Williams

In the past, I never though about gardening, let alone understood the effort and perseverance that it entailed.

It’s been almost a year since I said goodbye to my big city life and settled into suburban bliss. But it was not always so. In the beginning it was difficult to adjust. The slower pace of life, the lack of having every convenience within a short
stroll made me unhappy.

One evening, as I sat on the burgundy-stained deck in my newly-acquired backyard, I decided I would take up gardening. Through hours of research I learned about hostas, peonies, black eyed susans and other foliage. I set to work and planted my lavender, delphiniums and laid out an ambitious vegetable patch. I even invested in some hardy
gardening tools and took out a subscription to Canadian Gardening, which has
become my holy grail.

I have discovered that one of my favourite writers, Jane Austen, had a green thumb.
Every day I dug a little deeper. I tried a little harder to build a garden and to find my place here, to even find a voice in this new chapter of my life. It wasn’t easy, with squirrels attacking the spring bulbs and a family of geese that took up residence beside my Bracken ferns.

Trying to learn the individual characteristics of every sapling, my patience wore thin. I didn’t realize that I was being nurtured by nature and all her glory. I was wrist-deep in triple-mix soil when it dawned on me that this wasn’t just any garden, this was me putting down roots, finding my inner voice and letting it speak. Magically my personality emerged as the snap dragons and cosmopolitans took root. Like them I started adjusting to my new life.

Now every evening when I walk amongst my little green friends, there is peace and
solace. When the cardinals flock amongst the lilac bushes, I find beauty in the
world around me. Everything has come full circle.

Through the grit and the damp mulch, I have learned a valuable lesson: Life is not
about where you live and what you lost, it’s about what you gained and what
you discovered along the way. As I wait anxiously for my 22 green tomatoes to
change colour, I know what I have found - myself.

So on a warm summer evening, when the gentle evening breeze whispers through the purple lavender bushes, I know where I’ll be. In my garden with a glass of chardonnay and a good book.

Envy seems to be at the heart of most schadenbitches Are you inspired by your friend’s success? Do you like to surround yourself with brilliant successful women? I do. Or, my darlings, are you affected by the current wave of schadenbitch? I’ve seen this new disturbing term recently and it struck a chord. I have always been a fan of the word schadenfruden. It so adeptly describes a behaviour I deplore - relishing the misfortune of others. I find it despicable and tiresome. I live by the adage that if I serve someone up as dinner conversation, she will serve me up for dessert when I am not around. If you believe otherwise, you are dangerously naïve.

Some women boast they are “a man’s woman” or “one of boys” - and by that they don’t mean tomboys or sports-lovers. These wannabe queen bees eschew the company of women for men. They are often dismissive and nasty to those of their own sex. Ironically, they are often not any more popular with most men than they are they are with women. Men don’t trust their hostility towards their own. Unless they infiltrate a group of men attached to their brothers or use some other camouflage, they are most likely not welcome.

What perplexes me are women who are threatened by their friends’s accomplishments. A woman I was close to for a while, another writer, became upset when anyone she knew got a book contract or won an award. She had published her own book and done well with it. I never understood why she was this way. She could never be happy for the other person or inspired to work harder. This envy permeated her life in other areas too. She envied attractive people and those she perceived to have successful relationships. It is hard to think of much she didn’t envy.

Another woman I know runs through friends quickly. She too is afflicted by the green-eye monster. She has a laundry list of complaints against others, and how they have slighted her. She imagines others have stolen her ideas or insulted her. No matter what job, assignment, or luck comes her way, the plums always go to others.

Women like this may attain some professional success. The two women I mentioned are bright and talented, but will never attain the success and fulfillment they would if they didn’t have such toxic habits.

Another friend is a young woman already making a splash in a glamorous profession. She works 24/7 and still has a way to go before she makes the big bucks, but she has made a great start in a tough business. She has noticed some her friends are not thrilled with her success. It hurts.

I understand how she feels and have encouraged her to wait it out. But in the end she will need to find friends who enjoy her success. I have had similar experiences. I will never forget one older friend who had always told me to “do more” professionally. When I returned from Russia after being part of the launch team of Russian Vogue, she was quite mean about the new direction my career had taken. She made cutting remarks. I was shocked. Eventually, we both moved on. Now, I think I understand how she felt, but I think she made a mistake in how she reacted. She had married a very successful older man, raised four children, and did lot of charity work. That was how we met. She is bright and ambitious. She had planned to do many exciting things when he retired. That did not happen. She tried a career cooking, something she is good at it, but she didn’t get far with it. I suspect her husband had different plans and wanted a quieter life. She could have opted to get some support for her dreams from her friends. I would have given it, unquestioningly. That is my style. It is how my friends operate.

I don’t understand women who don’t cherish their close women friends. My friends have always been a great source of support, love, and pure enjoyment. I relish their company and can’t imagine life without them.

I love the sound of their voices, their laughter, and even their quirks. I have always taken great pride in their accomplishments. I think of them as a string of highly-polished jewels –each one precious, rare, and treasured.

We can get on get on each other nerves at times. But the wonderful thing about maintaining friendships over the years is the way the edges get smoothed away.

Some friendships have not stood the test of time, but that too is often for the best.

The friends I have made and kept over the years have shared this same excitement at meeting a new talented friend. We delight in the process of discovery and celebrate accomplishment!

Darlings, look to other women as source of inspiration! Glory in their accomplishments. Your friends will sustain you over the years. And whatever you do, avoid the dreaded schadenbitches and their toxic behaviour.